wah waaaaahhhhhh

So I cheated and took the test a day earlier. I have been so busy with life and work during the 2 week wait that I haven't been obsessing over it and didn't want the next 24 to be like that. 

REALLY tomorrow technically is the start of week 3 so I waited my 2 weeks but who is looking to justify their bending of the rules?  Oh wait, that would be me!

So I just got my results about 5 minutes ago but the test really had my verdict in the first minute. The final 2 minutes were just to torture me. 

Feeling kinda disappointed - which seems like a realistic reaction. On a positive note, now I don't have to worry about being tired during the marathon that the holidays are. Hmm... Not sure that actually makes me feel any better. 

Feel like this time it is less about trying to find the silver lining and more about just counting my many many blessings.... You all know who you are!  

Recently I met someone who is my quadfecta of smart, funny, interesting, and kind AND he is beyond supportive of everything I am doing. (I would go on but if he is reading this I don't want him to get too big of a head) Yet another blessing. Who knows where it will go but I am excited to see. 

As for why this wasn't my cycle, I am thinking that...

- the universe didn't want to give ME a big head by giving me too much goodness at one time

- the universe is just working to spread out life's amazing moments

- or maybe the astrologer was wrong and 5 really is my lucky number

Ultimately, I am just here for the ride so it seems. And although I am very impatient, I am very excited to see how my life develops. 

I have one more cycle with the IUI and then I start looking into possible next steps like IVF or maybe even adoption. I am going to take December off because of the craziness that is the holiday season with the plan to have January be my 5th and final IUI.  (Of note, it is the final because I am only allowed 3 cycles with the fertility drugs and this will be my 3rd after 2 natural cycles.)

My more immediate plan is to pee on a second stick tomorrow and just skip the blood test. This also means I can stop with the progesterone which has me feeling like those 10 pounds I lost didn't get lost. Ohh!  And this means I have another month to take care of me and get closer to my weight loss goals...but starting after I have some pie for breakfast and maybe lunch. 

I am ok. Not my best. But I am ok. I can already feel your warm hugs and support without any of you saying a word!  So appreciative of that!  No words to express. 

If I do not speak with ya'll till after the holidays, wishing you all much love, joy, and laughter this season!  Merry Christmas and a most joyous New Year!

worst blogger ever

Hi all!

Hello from my two week wait!  This Friday I will, rather WE will, learn the verdict from lucky cycle number 4!

There has been a lot going on but here is the update...

- 3 beautiful follicles ready to become my next generation

- I had a spectacular turkey day send off with some neighbors and some delicious bubbles and wine and turkey and Brussel sprouts and pie....

- I got basted the Friday and Saturday post turkey day with a neighbor there to keep me company as well as some Marvin Gaye and Eye of Tiger of course

- So now I am in Miami for work and excited to be distracted for the next 2 days

Overall, I am feeling fine. A little tired but nothing too crazy. Totally bloated with some funny cramping but pretty sure it is driven by the progesterone. 

More details to come on Friday!  

So appreciative for all the positive vibes!

4 really is my lucky number...

...ask the astrologer who did my chart and read my palms!  He later added 9 to the mix but that was much later in the reading so I am making the executive decision to stick with the number 4!

So far so good!  My creative usage of birth control worked like a charm and yesterday I had my baseline bloodwork and ultrasound. Because of my results last cycle with the possible chemical pregnancy he also took a LOT more blood to make sure everything is good (e.g., thyroid).  Those results will be back in about two weeks. 

My baseline results were all positive and I started with my Chlomid last night. 

Emotionally I am feeling really strong. Totally recharged after an amazing holiday with some spectacular friends. Unlike past cycles, this time the plan is that I will do this while I am working...and no, this isn't freaking me out (yet) which is really encouraging. I think I will be fine but just know how trying the wait period can be. Working to just take it as it comes!

Other tidbits from the astrologer (because you KNOW it is all true)....

- I will have 2 healthy, strong, smart babies by 2019 

- I am set to be married between May 15, 2014 and December 15, 2015 so mark your calendars!  And word on the chart is that he is a smart one and a keeper forevermore....

- My babies will get married and give me grandbabies!

- My lucky stones are emerald and diamonds. Feel free to send me as many of those as you want for good luck!  Wink wink!

- I will retire at 59

- I will live till 87 with tough years from age 80 to 83

(And yes, this felt much better than the previous psychic visit a few months ago. Two visits in like 3 months - who am I?)

Can't wait to get and post this cycle's follicle pics!  Hope the anticipation of my follicles doesn't keep you up!  Something to look forward to....

"healthier living" update

you might recall this post from mid january earlier this year....

welcome to day three of my healthier lifestyle.

feeling good.

what makes my lifestyle healthier?  glad you asked....

- working to be active for at least 30 minutes a day (e.g., walking, exercise video)
- smoothies with kale and a variety of other healthy fresh ingredients
- writing down exactly what i am eating and when

- and PRE-NATAL vitamins!!

starting the pre-natal vitamins feels like the first real step towards my countdown. i am really doing this. this is going to be an amazing adventure!

i am a super good starter of things related to health but not the best finisher which is why i am starting small and trying to really have it just meld into my world.  while i am not so good as nurturing and taking care of myself, i am optimistic that this little angel will be all the inspiration i need.

in the spirit of full disclosure i must share that last night i finally put in my jillian michael's ab workout video.  in the warm up she had me doing squats, lunges, and burpees (only my most hated exercises outside of the frog jump).  i only made it 6.5 minutes into the video but am very optimistic that tonight i will make it to 7.5.  net: it can only get better!

so i wanted to take this opportunity to update you on how my healthy living is coming along.

one key difference from then and now...  before i was trying to get healthy for the baby and now i really want to get healthy for me.  wow.  this is beyond huge for me and feels amazing.

this july i joined a gym and got a trainer.  it was a struggle but i felt good doing it and saw a glimmer of my potential which was really exciting for me.  with all of my travel the exercise was really hard to accomplish and even though i would work out 5 times a week i kept watching my weight increase.  argh!

this is when i finally bit the bullet and joined weight watchers.  i think this program was built for me.  i am starting week #4 today and lost 3.4 pounds the first week, gained 2 the second, and lost 2.4 last week.  so i am down 3.8 pounds!  i would like to point out that i was also on the road at a conference last week...this really shows that i can rock it no matter where i am when i put my mind to it!

what is most exciting is that all of my working out and everything i had been doing with regard to my eating are coming together well and ww is really helping me balance things out.  did i mention loving it?  (unless i am angry at point or activity calculations....sorry abby!)

other accomplishments of note...

- i have finished the jillian michael's ab video multiple times with my fabulous neighbors
- last week i ran 5 miles in 60 minutes
- today i ran a 5k in 33 minutes - - including a couple of lights!  personal record!
- really careful about imputing everything i eat in ww (every ounce of wine is accounted for...)

so the plan is that i stay on this healthy eating and drinking track, go to this amazing wedding in india, and come home to make a baby!

for this next round i am going to balance work and baby making all together.  think i have it planned out as well as i can and now we just have to see how it all pans out.  fingers and toes crossed!

a whole lotta zen!

ahhh.... so not sure i have the words to properly convey the magic that was my spa adventure at miraval.  it was only 5 days but 5 days of complete and total bliss.

i took so much away from this time including....

- the power of intention (knowing what you truly want and the importance of acknowledging the related fears surrounding getting what you want...so simple but ridiculously intense if you really think about it.

we did this clay class where i made a pinch pot and little pebbles with the things that i am actively working on.  they also had this labyrinth where you are supposed to focus on something, an intention, walk through it, and then leave a rock or something you bring in the middle as a symbol of your intention.

the labyrinth (and you can see my pot in the middle if you squint)

i left my pot as well as three key pebbles - intention, confidence, and kindness.  in my head this translated to my committing to living my life with greater intention, allowing this intention to give me more confidence and surety in everything i do and doing this in a way that is kind to myself since it won't all come together immediately....and that is ok. [in those last four words i had a flash of stuart smalley (which i enjoyed greatly)]

 my pinch pot and pebbles

- the magic of living in the moment and being mindful of oneself (i/we all get busy and sometimes find ourselves just going through the motions when really our quality of life would be so much better if we could feel and enjoy life as it is happening.  yes, john lennon knew what he was talking about.)

- that it is much easier to give than to receive (yes, yes, it is.  and i am a HORRIBLE receiver.  seeing this is half of the battle right?)

- recognizing that i am not as focused as i want to be but that this can be achieved through practicing meditation and better breathing practices (for those days, weeks, or months when you feel so distracted by all of the things in your life and can't finish a single thought - this is the cure!  well, something that will help me be more present anyway...)

where i practiced my meditation, breathing, and yoga

- the power of stretching and how important it is to my overall health (with my new healthier lifestyle my body feels totally bound up and stretching makes me feel so much more at ease.  now only if i can find a way to have the feeling after a 100 minute naga massage everyday....)

- horses aren't scary and are actually pretty awesome (historically, riding horses has not been an enjoyable experience but now i "get them" better.  an hour is a healthy ride time for now.  and of course my trail ride horse was a compulsive butt rubber on bushes and got kicked in the face by another horse because he was being pushy and asserting his alpha status....but oddly, still a great experience.  thanks abby for the peer pressure!)

kate with bailey, aka boo

- my life is so go go go and that i need more space in my life (yep.  trying to simplify everything - but will slow down more starting in the new year....okay?  needless to say, this is and will continue to be a very hard one for me.)

- mediation is cool (love that it is a practice and that no matter who you are it is hard to focus solely on your breathing for any period of time.  did it this am.  really want to start doing it daily but baby steps...)

what was so amazing during this trip is that abby, the friend i went with, did pretty different things than i did (e.g., trail run, drum circle, water aerobics) and we both walked away totally refreshed and ready for what the world has to offer!

i am now almost 2 weeks out from this amazing break from reality and i feel like i am still holding onto the magic of possibility!  it feels great.  parts of life that can be really scary to me, aren't so scary anymore because they can't really hurt me.  you just have to purely move towards the things you want and know your fears and you will be just fine.... (easier typed than lived but i am working on it...)

i have been working out pretty aggressively and am proud to report that i have finally finished the jillian michael's video.  it took me a while to put it back in the dvd player but on the second attempt we had success!  it certainly helped to have a friend suffering beside me.  today it was two friends suffering beside me.  makes it so much more satisfying!

i have some ambitious health goals on the horizon and will take my two pound increase of muscle in the past two months as a sign of success.  now i just have to figure out the food part which is my total "newman" in this process.  but based on my above learnings i now just have to figure out how to make it all work within the scope of my pattern...and be kind with my virgo self as i find my way through it all.

of course, i am heading to a birthday party/wedding this weekend followed by a 12 day business trip so i will certainly be tested.  i just have to keep my perspective and try to make the healthiest decisions i can, one at a time....and not spiral into despair when i choose the fried chicken entree over some sort of salad entree.  (wedding is in atlanta = good fried chicken)

seems my last few posts have been more like novelas.  sorry for that but many thanks for putting up with me as i reason my life out.... and of course, thanks again for your amazing love and support.  ever brimming with gratitude!

kind of an emotional morning

so i got my period.  big whoop right?  taking this cycle off so no big deal.  so then why am i feeling like this?

last time i took a break in all of this i was pretty overwhelmed with everything but this time not so much and i am feeling pretty emotional over not being able to move forward in this cycle.  i think that my week of zen at that spa (the blog post that i haven't yet finished - i will get there) really helped me come to a place of better awareness and calm in all parts of my life and has me really amped up and ready to do this!  even more than before if that is even possible...

for the record, this cycle is impossible because of work.  i have a huge international project that is going to have me out of town for a solid 12 days which means no time for my glorious blood work and ultrasounds.  i know i have to work since i pretty much have been twiddling my thumbs for the last 2 months and this is part of the balance i have to practice at this point in this process.

but it sucks. pretty bad actually.

this morning i think this sadness was amplified with the start of the birth control.  yep, taking my prenatals and plopping on my ortho evra patch.  so weird.  to confirm for those of you who might be super confused at this point, the plan is to control when i get my period so there is a chance i can actually make my november cycle baby viable.  sort of a long shot but one i am prepared to take (and yes, this plan has been approved as being safe by 2 doctors and a nurse).

i must say that picking up my prenatals and ortho evra prescriptions together was pretty entertaining - - the look on the pharmacist's face was that of pure confusion!

but as of this moment, plans for project "woot woot november is looking like a great month to get pregnant" has begun.  now i just have to be patient with the process - - which i will do with my new breathing and meditation practice.

i have to say though that i am super thankful to be back working.  and not just working but i have a 3 country project, 2 markets in each and i am so excited to really be thinking and professionally challenged!  had a super great call with the client and i had things to say and they weren't just the usual things which is what made it so much more rewarding.  so great to exercise my brain and have it provide value for others!

yes, this is a bit dramatic but i have been feeling rather underutilized over the past few months since i was working towards the baby at the expense of work and other things and have little to show for it (and yes, yes, i know all the silver linings but you know what i mean...).  so now i can relax in a space that is known and very comfortable where i can actually produce the something they need from me.  needless to say i really love my job and am so very thankful for the satisfaction it can provide me!

so i really enjoy this blog because i sit down with a ball of emotion or whatever and i am not always sure what it means but by the end i feel like i have so much more clarity and feel like my thoughts are better organized.

today's blog ah-ha is that for this cycle i just need to focus on my giddiness for this upcoming project.  sure, have a grumpy sad moment but then open my eyes and see how the universe has opened up this great example of balance in front of me.  

this may not seem like an ah-ha to you but for a long time my lack of routine in my life was a huge hindrance and barrier for me to be successful - - well, at least that is how i constructed it to be.  it seems i was super good at identifying the micro routine (wake up, floss...) and the larger cycle (i will be super motivated and busy but then wear myself down into a puddle of mush) but could never identify the middle of the road pattern that is the one i am actually supposed to be following.  i can get lost in trying to compare myself to others (doubt i am alone in this) but that just leads to trouble.  i am not, nor could i ever be a 9 to 5'er.  works for some but could never be me - but i can see a lot of benefits in that lifestyle which has led to some extra struggles for me because i want things that i can never have like knowing i can take the drawing class at the art institute because i know i will be in town every tuesday night for the next 6 weeks. (yes, that is probably a run-on but it totally captures my complete exasperation in this space)

but now looking at this broader pattern of my life i can see that the last two months were really about focusing on me and my future and that now i need to balance that laser focus of mine into more of a professional focus which brings me similar satisfaction.  i always envisioned what i wanted as being able to be accomplish balance of everything in a day and well, looking at my pattern that is crap and not realistic for who i am and who i want to be.  

so kate, i give you permission to be your 150% self for work for september and october and to take november and december to be your 150% for you and your baby plans (maybe with a dash of work sprinkled in).  this is step one in redefining what my version of balance is and recognizing that what it may be today or 2 months from now may be totally different than a year from now - and that is just fine.  i just have to remember that i am moving forward, regardless of how fast or slow i am moving, it is 150% authentic kate.

perspective restored.  time for breakfast.

next steps....

ahh!  have i mentioned how much better i feel now that cycle is over?  thinking in a few more days i will be able to celebrate the fact that i can get pregnant much more but right now i am just celebrating the fact that i feel so much more relaxed.

in terms of next steps....

nurse called yesterday with hcg results and i am down to 5.  great news!

i spoke with the doctor today about the particulars around what happened last cycle and learned that what happened last cycle was pretty common but he was encouraged that my body is doing what it needs to have success.  the one weird thing from the call was him referring to the short pregnancy i had as a miscarriage.  i guess technically that is what happened but it doesn't really feel like it because i hadn't had time to emotionally or physically connect with the baby.  he reinforced how common they are and that often the body rejects the embryo because it is not healthy.  amazing how the body works!  

ultimately, it appears i am going to be taking a few months off picking back up for my december (maybe november) cycle. feels a little weird to be taking another break after only having one cycle, but this is process is really all about balance right?  and really this was two cycles with only one active baby making cycle.  AND the doctor said it was not a bad thing for my body and actually good so that it can get back to normal.  thanks doc!  love when i get permission for the things i want to do....

while my last break in baby making was driven by my amazing trip with my dad, this next break is due to a once in a lifetime wedding in india this november (and a crazy busy month of work for september).   yes, that does not mean i can't in october but i am thinking that i would rather take that variable out of the india trip to limit my stress and increase my overall enjoyment.

so umm my strategizing never seems to end...  while it is abundantly clear that i have no control in this situation, this does not mean that i cannot come up with ways to make things work more towards my favor (potentially).  to date this has included my massages, acupuncture, and new gym regimen...and smoothies!  can't forget those smoothies!  but in order to hopefully build in a november cycle i am going back on birth control.

i know it probably sounds ridiculous that i will go on birth control when trying to have a baby but this means that i can plan when my period will hit with relation to my return from india.  basically, it gives me more control of when i will get my period.  so i just have to time things so that my period hits right as i am returning from india in time for my baseline.

but kate, what are the implications of this on when you get your period again and is this really ok?  why yes it is!  i have had 1 nurse and 2 doctors tell me this is totally fine and will not impact my cycle at all.  in terms of how long it will take for me to get my period once i allow my body to do it, that is the only wild card but based on past experiences with this same birth control, it will be a few days.

and if this backfires, which it will may, then i will just start in december as i had originally planned.  no risk, no reward.

saturday i am heading to a spa for a long weekend with a girlfriend for a nice restorative treat.  really excited to test out yoga and really give meditation a try...they have oodles of these classes.  these are things i have always wanted to try but have never really clicked for me.  now i can give them a proper effort and make my final determination on the two.  i am not so good at sitting still unless i am working to clean out my dvr so we will see.  the countdown till departure continues...

little victory of the day: hcg is dropping!

wow.  as i type that subject the irony of the placement of joy is not lost on me.  hoping forevermore that i am whoo hooing about the doubling and tripling of my hcg.

but for now this is a blessing.  it has dropped to 19.7 (from 25).  i have one last blood test next tuesday to confirm all is good to go but the nurse said the doctor is optimistic.

i feel like i just lost 2000 pounds of stress and anxiety.  now i am able to look forward and not feel chained to this cycle.  this morning i wasn't thinking that i was going to get good news because everything that could go wrong did.  but erin was right and i was just getting all the crap out of the way this am.  exhale!

anticipating my silver linings for this mornings #*#& to be...

- now i know that 3 blood draws from the same vein in a week can dry it out (first 2 dried it out)
- i am aware that i have good veins in both arms
- there is a brand new payment machine that looks almost EXACTLY like the old one at the parking garage at the clinic and you have to swipe your credit card differently or else it will make tons of noises and not give you your card back
- people are not far to help you so always try the assistance button and don't give up even though you can't really understand them and they can't understand you

i am already laughing at myself for how frustrated and angry i was this morning at all of this but i guess i have had a pretty stressful week so i will let it slide.

feeling like the tide has definitely turned!  good news on my results, client ok'd an insane travel schedule as is that could have been made even longer and more complicated, and i made some progress processing my "don't want to deal with this now" shelf.  happy friday indeed!

holy unharnessed energy

so i am up and at my computer.  teeth brushed and flossed.  dressed for the gym - because that will happen today.  just printed my notes from my casting lesson this week so i can have them for reference for when i head to the casting pond after i eat breakfast.  after that i will do some work.

i feel like i am sort of stagnating with work having been on the back burner, not having the type of success i was hoping for on the baby (my main focus), romantic relationships being a danger zone, and i am finding myself filled with so much energy which feels kinda overwhelming.  i need to do something that gives me a sense of accomplishment right now.  just need to figure out what it is.

realized this week that fishing really is my version of meditation, or at least casting, so i am going to work to build that in as many times in a week as i can.  hoping this combined with my massages, acupuncture, and exercise will allow me to enjoy a bit more calm.

outside of that i am still not sure what the plan will be.  it will come.  it always does.

i hope this doesn't come off as if i am lost in depression because i don't feel that way.  disappointed?  yes.  frustrated?  yes.  aware that what i am going through it more of the rule rather than the exception? yes.

the latter has been my 'ah ha' moment of this cycle.  i cannot thank my friends enough for sharing their stories and struggles with me.  not sure you can fully understand how much it means to me.  as i said above, it has helped me see that this process is not as easy as i thought and that it is the nature of the process and not me.  this takes a lot of pressure off of me and gives me hope that i can lighten my spirit as i progress.  i need to readjust my attitude and right now i am working through what that will look like so i can wholeheartedly own it.  150% kate embrace it.

i have been spending some time trying to understand why i expected it to be easier including...

- i am putting in the work and work nets positive results (right?)
- my unlucky and at times ridiculous dating history (can we say bedazzled teeth guy?)
- according to my mother, and our "sex" talk,  i am fertile

the fertile comment led to a fear that if i was even in the same room with a sperm i was just about guaranteed to be pregnant.  think this mindset coming to terms with what is the reality of the situation and process is what i am still working to reconcile - but i have made incredible progress as of late.  clearly i know that hard work means nothing in this process and that i guess the universe isn't going to throw me a bone regardless of my dating exploits.  dang it.  but i guess the entertainment value of the stories is enough.

but here is what i am realizing as i type this, i have time.  maybe the universe isn't throwing me a meaty bone like i initially envisioned during my first cycle, but it is going to happen.  whether i have the baby myself or i adopt, i am going to be a mom.  maybe not on my schedule but it will happen and i know that.  i just have to keep my eye on the prize.  patience isn't my strong point but this is a lesson and one i can imagine that my league of guardian angels above are trying to help me with.  i just have to trust they will push me only as hard as they think i can manage and trust that they know what they are doing.  grandpa and victoria - i am depending on you and the gang to help me get to where i need to be.  i trust you all but a memo containing your objectives for my development and a timeline would be super appreciated!  and do you work with me but please be gentle.

wow.  so this was supposed to be a quick entry but clearly i needed to sound out a bit more than i thought.  off to make some breakfast and get this day started!  xoxo!

posters for purgatory

results are in.

regardless of how you look at it, this will not be a viable pregnancy.  sad pants.  but not surprising news.  pretty much what i expected.

the particulars...

- hcg level 25 (up from 22) - - should be around 50-75

- progesterone 1.5 (up from 1.3) - - should be 10

the nurse stated that basically i am looking at either a bio-chemical pregnancy (which is what they suspected and is fairly common) or the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy.  boo.

(silver lining: i know i can get pregnant)

implication of this news is that i am feeling like i am living in purgatory.  thinking i might decorate my space with some posters to make it feel a little homier.  anyone have a lorenzo lamas poster around by chance?

why purgatory you might ask?  well, i have to go in for another pregnancy test on friday with hopes that the numbers are decreasing because that means the risk of the ectopic pregnancy decrease exponentially.  if this is not a case, then i have to come in again and again until it decreases which makes me feel like this will not end.  honestly, i am just frustrated that even though i am not pregnant i still have to keep watch over it and i cannot just move on and get back to life and the next cycle.  seems sort of like a mean twisted game.

(silver lining: i am in town this month so i can make the appointments as needed)

while i am home this month, i basically took 2 months off work for this and this is not something i can keep up forever both on the baby front and with regard to my own sanity.  i am feeling like this month got wasted and now i have to get back to my schedule and figure out my next steps....again.

yes, you can make the priorities argument (as in, "if this is your priority then you will make it work").  if i worked a 9 to 5 this whole thing would be exponentially easier.  but i don't.  so it isn't.  i will figure it out.  i always do.  just frustrated and being a brat.  which i am ok with in this moment.

yet again, this process is shaking me off any ground that feels even slightly stable.  but that is parenting right?

(silver lining: this whole adventure is training for being a mom)

(silver lining: i can work my tuckus off in september now to make up for july and august - and make it to an old friend's wedding)

you best be sitting for this one

monday i went in for my baseline which is bloodwork and my ultrasound to make sure i have lots of little follicles ready to grow and get big and strong.  of note, i had about 8 on each side which was muy bueno.  this visit is typically followed by a call from the nurse telling me the results and i expected her to tell me which day to start my chlomid.

i missed the call by a nano second but got the following message (and again, you best be sitting for this one):

"just calling to give you your results from today and umm and we cannot start treatment this cycle because your hcg level, which is the pregnancy hormone, is not negative it is positive but it is a low positive. [i'm sorry? what? you said i have a positive pregnancy hormone? i definitely have my period right now, it is not spotting] ummm so when that happens we don't know quite what is going on. [sorry, still not really following...] it could be implantation is starting but it is a little later than we would have thought.  umm the first check we like that level to be at 25 and your level is at 22. [22 is really close to 25 - - i am no quant person but that is only 12% off normal numbers...that feels pretty close] so, it is a little lower than a first check would be here. [huh?]

there are some other possibilities which could be bio chemical where the pregnancy starts but does not complete so we are actually going to ask the lab to run progesterone tomorrow. [so wait, i was pregnant?  huh?] we will call with those results.  [progesterone level just came in moments ago and are a super low at 1.3 where normal is 10.  this might mean that it was bio chemical pregnancy which she said is pretty common.]

ultimately, they had me come in today for blood work...but really was a pregnancy test.  huh?  here they will be looking at my hcg level to see if it is rising - for a normal pregnancy they expect it to double every 2-3 days.  if they are lower that suggests that it was a bio chemical pregnancy which again means that it started but did not complete for whatever reason.

i can't help but laugh at this!  kate's law strikes again! can it never be a simple yes or no?

the nurse has been amazing and totally diplomatic in sharing all of the news and answering all of my questions.  in fact, i didn't even call her till about 1pm yesterday because i was waiting for her to call with the progesterone levels - which happened much later in the day.  she told me how she was surprised that it took me so long to call.  in retrospect, i think i am a little surprised as well!

i am approaching this from the perspective that i am not pregnant but totally encouraged by the fact that i can get pregnant.  but i will know more - and hopefully a more conclusive yes or no - when my blood results come back later today.

more to follow...

first year was just warm up...

...now cue the 'eye of the tiger' because this is a fresh start!  all i want for my birthday is for august to be my successful healthy baby cycle.

so last night i dreamt i peed on my two sticks and one said i was prego and the other was defunct with no reading at all.  this lead to my first feeling of optimism in the past few days.  sadly, it was rather short lived.  i woke up around 5am and couldn't quite bring myself to get out of bed out of fear.  by 5:30 i had my jeans and flops on as well as my babymoon shirt with a rainbow, unicorn, and teddy bear with my pee mug in hand.

proud to say this time i did not spill urine all over and was able to maintain it in the mug down the stairs, across the lawn, and through the low tide terrain.  i must confess those rocks are much slipperier than i expected and the urine had one close call but we both persevered.

so i picked my rock, negotiated space with some snails, and set up shop.  it was such a beautiful and serene morning.  i was able to get a few pictures before my phone (read: camera) ran out of juice.  here is a paltry attempt to capture the magic that is Stinky Cove in Blue Hill, Maine....

not sure this really does it justice, especially because it is low tide, so here is another view at sunset with a higher tide...

slightly different angle but the point is that this is such a relaxing paradise that maybe this is the best place for me to heal through this most recent disappointment.  and that gets me started on my silver linings...

so after i saw the two (-) on the sticks i then walked back inside and went straight back to bed.  there were some tears and lots of disappointment but i immediately started trying to console myself with the identification of the silver lining positives around this situation....

silver linings:

- this marks a new beginning at the close of year one... fresh slate

- i now know what i want for my birthday

- it is a rainy day so i won't feel guilty being a bump on a log and feeling sorry for myself (which i am allowed to do till about 5pm)

- i am in paradise which is a perfect place to recharge myself for what is to come

- my august work schedule is also clear making it easy for my next round of IUI

- reinforcement that i have the greatest friends and family around which was illustrated through words, texts, and emails of encouragement and well wishing yesterday and today.  now all messages of course are incredibly meaningful but one girlfriend in particular sent me an email very early this am with the subject line "too serious" and the following text with photo...

For when you need to remind yourself to breathe and relax with a smile, just take a look at this photo and it will do the trick...  :)  I love you.

to say it worked is an understatement.  impeccable timing!  thank you katrina!  xoxo!

- i can now drink for the remaining days of my time with family

- i still have two more cycles of the IUI (and the name of a great doctor if i need to transition to IVF after this)

- i can do real workouts for the next two weeks or so (which i actually missed)

- i don't have to sell my apartment and car because they wouldn't fit triplets

- no more progesterone for at least 2 weeks!

- tim and jennifer can give me my shot again (i know he enjoyed it)

- (add others that i am missing in the comments section...this is just my first pass and i am confident there are many many more)

much much love and gratitude to all of you!!

(so nervous)

so it is tuesday night and i pee on the stick on thursday morning.  so close but so far.

this week i am in maine with my mom and brother for some family time and it feels like the perfect place to learn that i am pregnant:  i can share this monumental moment with family, we are in the beautiful place where my mother was born, it is my 3rd time and i have 3 follicles, i was able to make my july schedule what it needed to be for this process, and i really really really want it to be.

i have already picked my spot where i plan to take my cup o' pee and pregnancy sticks so i can determine my future.  (it is a total stunner so get excited for thursday pics and news for sures)

all of the above is perfectly laid out.  but it almost seems to good to be true.  and this is where my nervousness really comes in.  i oddly don't seem to have any nerves about being pregnant but rather about if i am not.

i know i need to maintain my positive vibes (and i swear i am trying to chill myself out) but it is feeling really really really hard.  the progesterone has made me pretty tired again this round (more than last round), i have been feeling much more emotional than i have in the past, and i have been having weird cramps (drugs? gas?).  somehow the feeling of disappointment from the the first round (which was horribly intense) keeps lingering in my head making me afraid to feel hope and excitement knowing how far the fall is if i am not.  i know that i am a young babe in this whole process versus what many people go through but man is this hard regardless of how long you have been in it.  and i just realized that even though this is only my 3rd cycle of IUI, this month marks my 1 year anniversary of being in this process.  wow.  yet another reason why i hope this is (and should be) my time!

i am trying to tell myself that even though this appears to be a possible perfectly scripted kate's law occasion, i would really love to have this be the moment to break the trend forever more.

ok, time for bed.  hoping for sweet thoughts and dreams of some healthy baby development in my lady parts!

ohh and so appreciate all of the emails and texts of encouragement.  really appreciate it.  really really really.

today's soundtrack: mumford & sons

so today was my first insemination for this third cycle.  tomorrow is number two.

i am feeling a little crazed/highly emotional right now.  the nurse explained that with three follicles and the ovidrel working this makes complete sense since my body is surging with estrogen and doing a lot of work so i will feel less kate-like for the next 72 hours.  a true window into the future i am working so hard to achieve.  no complaints but if i start crying for little to no reason do not look surprised.  now i can look at the lack of side effects of the clomid as the gift it was.

last night i had crazy dreams about losing my id and credit cards which was problematic because i need both for a successful insemination.  thinking carl castle might have been involved in one of the dreams as well but hard to say at this point.  needless to say it was a bizarre night of sleep.

so this am i had my insemination.  this time i decided to go for mumford & sons since i am currently obsessed with them.  figured i should play music i authentically like.  i actually tried to play a little NPR "wait wait don't tell me" but with the words and some talking with my nurse it was hard to focus and you can't miss out on a word.  tomorrow i might go for some "this american life." ira glass has a voice that just relaxes me to the core regardless of what he says.... something to consider.

my cervix was a bit temperamental today so the insemination took a bit longer but all is good.  some key learnings from the nurse today....

- i should drink a vitamin water each day after the insemination

- i could have triplets
- no exercise for 48 hours after last insemination

- I COULD HAVE TRIPLETS

- i should eat foods with high salt like french fries and pizza to suck the moisture from my uterus

realistically i do not think i will actually have triplets but hearing it might be an option was pretty stinking entertaining to me.  (and no, this is not a good time to cite kate's law)  i just trust i will be given what i can handle - and if that is three, then clearly the universe has a lot of faith and confidence in me and i will step up to the blessing ahead!  but one is a pretty awesome blessing too.  just saying.

off to eat some delicious salty foods.... think i might start with the tavern cut fries with a garlic aioli sauce.  note, this is not because i want to but because the doctor says it is best.  (this is a moment i am loving doctor's orders!  should enjoy it while i can right?)

yep, i'm a total wimp

so even more officially, i have the greatest friends in the world!

last night after some bubbly, a delicious dinner with some tasty red wine, and before the chocolate truffles they cornered me on their couch.  i thought it was just for a change in scenery but then i saw the blue ziploc bag that contained my ovidrel shot sitting by the couch.  i knew it was on the evening agenda but i was so not ready.

(reminder: ovidrel shot is to encourage ovulation within 12 to 40 hours of injection)

they, tim and jennifer, are nice people for sure but they seemed a little too excited to give me the shot which made me very suspicious.  my neighbor suggested that i use ice on the injection site and tim had it all wrapped up for me in a napkin.  he was way crazy prepared.

this of course signaled that it was time to watch the utube video on how to properly give the injection.  further evidence that i am truly taking this literally one step at a time.  outside of jennifer's gasp when the entire needle was injected into the model during the video, it went pretty well.  i nervously walked/hopped around the room sipping my wine with increased purpose.

finally, we were ready.  let me rephrase, tim and jennifer were ready.  i found myself scrambling trying to figure out what i was going to do during this process.  do i keep the wine in hard?  i will grab jennifer's hand - no wait, her arm, i might accidentally hurt her hand.  so back to the other hand - wine?  hold the couch?  too many decisions.  ultimately i opted for the couch out of fear that i might spill the wine and that just seemed potentially wasteful.

so i braced myself for the worst and then it was done and i didn't even feel a pinch.  tim and jennifer are for sure hired!  here i am with tim post injection.  outside of not having jennifer in the pic as well, i think it pretty much captures our experience (note "imposing" syringe in tim's hand, his HUGE smile of success, wine bottle, ice in napkin, kate not passed out on the floor).

my heart is bursting with love and appreciation.  feeling so blessed.

"3rd time + 3 beautiful follicles = the charm!" kate positively thinks

exhale!

so i survived the clomid and was maybe a pinch more emotional than usual but overall uneventful.

today i had my second ultrasound and i have three beautiful follicles and a multi-layered uterus so we are ready to rumble!  my blood test results were all good and my follicles are measuring 21, 19.5, and 17.5!  all of this adds up to a no brainer that tonight is the ovidrel shot and tomorrow i go in for my first IUI (8:30am) followed by the second on saturday (8am).

above you can see two of the three follicles.  the one on the right is the 21 mm sized one and i am not so sure about size of the other but thinking the 17.5.  again, one of these could be the start of my future child.  wow.  mind blowing.

tonight i am heading to a friend's for dinner and little do they know that i will be looking to them to help me with my ovidrel shot.  "hi!  thanks for having me!  here is some bubbly to celebrate my follicles, wine to celebrate this amazing dinner you have prepared, ohh and can you come help me with a little something...."

never a dull moment.

so on the eve of the lucky #3 IUI with 3 lucky follicles rocking out in my uterus and i am feeling really good and calm.  really happy in everything actually.  thinking the increased acupuncture and massages combined with working out and having a month to focus more on being in chicago with my friends has been a really good thing for me.

please keep the positive vibes coming for both my follicles and the little swimmers!  hoping those swimmers are fast and strong and that all of the many steps occur and that we get pregnant this month!  woot to the woot!

the pot has boiled!

so i feel like i have been waiting for this period like no other.  if i was still operating like clockwork last saturday would have been my day.  i just felt like i was staring at the pot waiting for the water to boil.  and it came on monday which works just fine too.

this morning i went in and had my baseline ultrasound and blood work with results to follow later today.  i already have all of the drugs that i will need on hand so ready to start with the chlomid once i get the green light from the nurse.

i have been taking this month pretty easy and have been getting more massages, seeing my acupuncturist, started drinking kefir (supposedly it makes you happy...i am so in!), joined a gym AND got a trainer.  not so sure about the latter yet as we are in the get to know you stages but not so sure the Marine mentality will really pair well with me.  time will tell.

net is that i am feeling good and ready for this to be my month!  as always i am accepting any and all positive vibes!!  xoxo!

anticipation of what is to come...short term

So I am excited to report that I am still on track for a no travel July.  Woot to the woot!  Seems I will have some work to keep me warm over the month but nothing too crazy which leaves me time to kinda chill out and embrace my next stage.  Probably not going to be able to explore all of the things on my idealistic dream world list but it is nice to have that to fall back on.

This week I need to call for my prescriptions and I have already reached out to the nurse so we can talk through what I should expect to experience and all the implications of the drugs.  (Note: I am insisting for a 1-on-1 conversation to avoid past communication issues)  She sent me a little one-pager outlining some of the excitement and WOW did it make me happy that I am taking this time a little slower than usual.  Here is my favorite excerpt:

“Normal side effects:  mild ovarian enlargement, nausea and vomiting, mild pelvic discomfort, mild bloating, mild breast discomfort, hot flashes, mild headache, mood swings, and insomnia.”

I am guessing this is just a window in to what is to come.  

Village, consider yourselves warned.  It might not be a pretty week.

A little daunting?  Maybe a bit more than a little but I am so excited to be getting started again!

all refreshed and ready to rumble!

so i recently home from my trip to turkey with my dad and we had such an amazing time!  everything about the trip was perfect.  i would not have changed a thing.

ultimately, i think that this time off from the process was incredibly therapeutic for me.  i can now more fully see that while i only went through two cycles to date, there were many months of tests, preparation, and anticipation/excitement/nerves that led up to those two cycles which explain my general exhaustion.  now i am taking off three cycles, 2 down and 1 to go, and while it is a bit longer than i had originally planned, i am totally okay with it all.

july is going to be the magic month!

my calendar for july is on complete lock down.  i have a project the first week and only plan to accept other projects if they are in chicago.  net: no travel for me.

this july cycle is going to be quite an experience for me since i am going to be using the drugs (clomid and ovaldril) and i have no idea how my body will react.  basically, i know it is going to be hard because i think this will be completely different from my last two cycles (e.g., timing, how my body will feel).  but i am rested and ready to rumble!

one of my challenges coming back from vacation is that i am waking up very early in the morning and going to bed at a reasonable hour and i do not have anything pressing to do.  i was so organized before i left that i am pretty much ahead of the game.  this is shocking.  maybe the first time ever.  the weird part is that i have no idea what to do with myself.  yes, i could clean the closet but that doesn't seem very fun or urgent.

why am i sharing this?

i have some concerns around what i will do with myself being home and potentially not really working for the month of july.  an idle kate is not a happy kate.  so with that said, i have some ideas around how i can occupy myself and i am feeling pretty good about them....

- i can run more (signed up for a 5k in july so started my training when i got home...three 2 mile runs in.  yay!)

- i can use my month pass to a yoga studio (been looking forward to this one)

- i am going to volunteer at a couple of places around town (i haven't had the time in a while)

- possibly start another blog that i have wanted to write for years (topics to include: packaging, travel, and fishing)

- have some friends visit me in chicago (hint! hint!)

still have plenty of time till it is here but i am hoping i can accomplish all of those points at least once.  trying to start small (not always my strength).


on another note, my dad and i met lots of great people on our trip.  he tried to sell me for camels (yes, i know not necessarily geographically appropriate BUT that makes them more precious right?!).  his starting offer was for one old camel but i am pleased to report that it went up to 5 young camels and 1 baby camel.  the winning bidder has not yet produced the camels but i think my father is still eagerly awaiting their arrival.

my reason for mentioning this is that i find myself struggling a little bit with the idea of proactively seeking out my mr. right or even thinking about mr. right while i am in this process.  i know there are lots of single mom's out there who are on the dating scene but i found that it is a pretty weird conversation to tell someone my plans while i am still at this stage.  this is a big deal and something that i know not everyone is prepared for or open to.  that is ok of course but it doesn't make it any easier when you hear someone say "i only want to have my own children, not someone else's." this is one of the many challenges i will face in the future but i just have to have faith that my mr. right is out there and just stuck in traffic somewhere...  :)

no dice.

Verdict is in and this was NOT my magic month. So prepare yourself for seeing more pictures of follicles and my stunner of a uterus for my next cycle.

Skipping next month so thinking there will be some blog silence.

But for June we will be back to game on. More details on the timing and the new process which will include the fertility and ovulation helpers.

And now for some of the immediate silver linings....

- I get to vaca with my dad and not worry about what I eat/drink/lift and maybe even some hammam action

- I got my period today during my drive to Cleveland (discovered it after I spoke to the nurse). This is great news I think because I am hoping the timing will be easier for my next IUI for June work schedule.

- I had a relaxing maternity massage over the weekend and it rocked. Now I can have even more of them! Highly recd having a massage on your side - great neck and side work.

- My eggs have had the benefit of some serious mellowing time over the past few weeks with all of my fishing and my upcoming fun trips on the docket

How am I? Really good actually. And really optimistic for my next cycle. It is almost a little weird how chill I am. But I feeling pretty well equipped for the next few months. Past that, I have no idea, but there is plenty of time until I need to put all that on the radar.

2nd cycle has been much more chill....

so today is the day i learn the outcome of cycle #2!  while i am very excited, i must confess i have been very mellow this time around.  thinking the two rounds of acupuncture, a couple of massages, and soe time on the water fishing has helped chill me out in concert with the trauma and learning curve of cycle #1.

i haven't been feeling exhausted or crampy like last time but bloated for sure.  emotionally i was much less focused on the outcome (e.g., not counting down till i get to pee on a trillion sticks and trying to determine how i can pee on 6 sticks in the same urine stream [thanks again erin for talking me down on that plan!]).  net: as hard as the first cycle was for me, i think it really prepared me for the road ahead.

in fact, this am i casually got out of bed to pee so i could take a test and then gracefully spilled the urine all over my bathroom floor.  awesome.  (note: peed in a red solo cup to i could test with the dip - - just seems more efficient and kate proof).  so i decided today i would just depend on the blood test that is scheduled for 10:30am.

did you read that right?  yep, i have a test but am not going to use it.  who am i?

do i think i am pregnant?  not really.  BUT i have decided that if i am not that i am taking next cycle off so i can drink and eat whatever i want while in turkey next month with my dad.  the implications of this decision are that i am probably with child because i made this tough decision (see "kate's law" posting).  ultimately, either way i will be happy and optimistic that i will be pregnant by the end of the year.  fingers crossed.

in terms of my % chance that i will get pregnant, who cares.  i think i had mentioned this before and i have decided i am not even meeting with the doctor to discuss it all.  rather, i am just going to be more aggressive for my next three IUI cycles and see what happens.  i can ask these people questions till i am blue in the face and they will do their best to answer them for me but really this is something between my body and myself.  a few friends made the excellent point that basically i am either 100% pregnant or 100% not - so 5% or 50% mean nothing.  sage advice.  and might i point out that this was just another example of how amazing my village is...thank you!!

so today i am driving to cleveland for a project and will be able to have dinner with a friend tonight and have a day to hang out with my fam.  implications of this is that i will be posting my results from the road.  so results to follow....

time to make a baby!!

so i am here ready for my first second cycle insemination.  yay!

had a bit of stress this am when i thought i had either pink or blue socks to pick from.  as i was getting ready to grab one pink and one blue i remember the gender neutral black ones.  pfew!  not sure why i feel it is so important to be gender neutral.

i have not updated my playlists but this morning was thinking i might just play the mumford and sons pandora station.  make this child a little cooler - and hopefully nice and mellow!

each time i check in here for the insemination, the process always seems to be a little different.  today it was different because i had to pick which vial i wanted to use since i have one left from the first order (ordered 3 for 2 inseminations just in case there was a problem with one) and then the two from my most recent order that was placed from my car in a viroqua, wisconsin parking lot.

having two batches has led to a lot of learning with regard to my donor sperm - which i think some of my male neighbors will be happy to hear.

(of note, they are still disappointed that i did not include them in the selection process.  their vision was that they would get a vial or more of the top contenders so they could test their agility, problem solving skills, athleticism ["what if the sperm just swims in circles?"], and who knows what else through their range of tests.  they have a name for the olympic like games planned but when asked to remind me of the name, i received the following response: "Sorry, it's a proprietary, copyrighted process.  Given the hundreds of hours we have invested in the rigorous number of tests we perform on each molecule, we can't divulge any of the details...  :)"  best neighbors ever!)

new learnings regarding the guy next door plus' sperm are:

- count: 25.0 bits per million
- motility: 70% of sample are active (and i was told more might thaw and wake up post insemination)

no this does not speak to their swimming patterns but i am optimistic that there is at least one super swimmer who is ready to help me become a mom.

for next steps, i start the progesterone today and then am allowed to do my pregnancy test on the 22nd or 23rd of april.  super excited.

had a GREAT talk with the nurse.  feel so much lighter.  she has actually worked with dr. kaplan herself to get pregnant so it was great to have her perspective on the whole process.  although of course she can't give percentages she expected me to be about 20% (and remember i am not obsessing any longer on this but it was great to hear something higher than 5-6% while within those walls).

she also confirmed that there is a lift in success because of how they time and execute the insemination versus the more traditional route.

based on our conversation, my plan is to use the clomid for my next cycle and also use the ovidrel shot to time my ovulation perfectly.  feeling really good about this.  i can use this combo for three months which i intend to do.

maybe this nurse is just more positive than most but whether she is just trying to calm my nerves or not, i am aok with all of that.  she took so much time to talk it all through with me which i so appreciate.

so now the two week wait begins.  my optimism is back and i am super excited.  no travel this week and on the road next week for some more fishing so feeling like i am on cloud nine.

again, thank you thank you thank you for all of your amazing support!  the texts, emails, calls, and hugs are so appreciated.  xoxo!!

don't mean to brag but my uterus is GORGEOUS!

had my visit today and it looks like i am slated for my second iui tomorrow and wednesday.

loved my nurse/ultrasound technician this am!  sure this might be because of her sweet and complimentary words regarding my uterus but i have little shame....compliments will get you everywhere!  and she was highly effusive about my stunner of a uterus.  check it out.  and you can say it, those layers are just screaming for implantation!

my follicle is on the left side again measuring in at 17.7mm.  been growing a little slower than last cycle but i am totally aok with that.  amazing that this might be my future child!  (and yes, i will be showing the follicle pictures until i have success because science [and really nice nurses] say i can!)

exploits in a grocery store bathroom

so i woke up this am and made my way to my local jewel (grocery store) for my ovulation tests.  thankful for a great pharmacist who saw me staring at the options and offered his perspective.  once he explained the ropes to me i then commented on how hard it is to get pregnant and he said that i have a 25% chance during ovulation.  i of course countered with my 5 to 6% chance to which he responded with "fci?".  very very interesting.  seems their low numbers have a bit of a reputation.

off i went to the jewel bathroom to pee on a stick.  

i am an adult woman in a jewel bathroom peeing on a stick.  and then waiting the 3 minutes in the stall. again, adult woman staring at a ovulation stick in the jewel bathroom for 3 minutes.

(it should be noted that my bladder was very full as i knew i needed my first pee of the day for the test)

it seems i am not ovulating yet which means more blood work tomorrow at fci as well as another ultrasound.

a friend offered a fantastic solution for the variation in percentages - ask my ob.  brilliant!  so i am hoping to touch base with my ob this week and have her give me her thoughts based on all my results.

regardless of what she says (although i may just use the jewel pharmacist as my new percentage giver), i have decided that i am just going to let the numbers go.  i really struggled this last round because 1) really thought i was prego because no period and 2) i got lost in my overly analytical head with the percentages.  proud to report that was my first time i have gotten lost in my head and hoping it will be my last...but realistically one of a few times.

moving forward i am going to try to steer as clear of numbers as possible!  and maybe try to pee on more sticks in random public restrooms...

the funk has lifted!!!

i am so happy to report that the funk is gone!

i just got back from three days fishing up in the driftless region of wisconsin and am so happy to report that on day three the fog lifted and i am now finally feeling like me.  pfew!  i was starting to get a little worried!  

look at this amazing foam line!  sure i did not catch any fish on this run but i had so much fun working on my cast and just enjoying being outside immersed in nature... 

in terms of the baby making process, i am hoping to have my second round of IUI either this weekend or early next week.  going in for my ultrasound and blood work tomorrow.  fingers crossed that everything looks good.

as for the results related to the percentages.  i am still waiting to learn more but overall, not so bueno.  the nurse did say that my percentages are higher than most women my age which was even more shocking to me.  hello learning curve thank you for blowing my mind around every corner!

i am seeing a lot of similarities between working to become a mom and fishing.  you do the best you can - or even be perfect in your cast and rigging - but there is no guarantee that you will have success.  the fish may be there but they might just not be feeding at that moment or dozens of other factors that cannot be controlled - read: that i cannot control.  in this space of fishing i am working to be better able to give up that need for control so i am able to just enjoy the process, knowing how happy i will be when i land that fish that may be 3 or 30 inches.

while the differences are very obvious between the two, i think that the beauty and grandeur of nature around me while fishing parallels the magic that occurs inside my body as i try to create this little miracle.  sure the latter is harder for me to grasp because i cannot see it and it is even harder for me to understand but the former gives me hope and a sense of faith and trust in the process which i think will help me maintain the strength i need to embrace this process.

feels good to be back.  really good.

possible game changer

not a good day.

during my call with my nurse on monday i casually mentioned my 25% chance of getting pregnant that my ob had mentioned.  the nurse quickly stated how high she thought that number was so i asked for her to give me MY percentages based on MY many many tests.  she said she would talk to the doctor and get back to me.

today she got back to me.

Percentages of achieving pregnancy:
5-6%  Without stimulation medications/naturally
10% with Clomid
18% with injectables
50% with IF

wow.

really big punch to my gut that took the wind out of me.  what a way to bring back my happy right?  clearly this is not my week.

while certainly the numbers are miserable i am finding myself really upset because of the following...

- i have only heard how great all my tests have been... never anything to raise concern

- i had to ASK them for this information.  shouldn't they have shared this with me?  and talked to me about my options?  really feeling like a number and it does not feel good....

- why am i doing the IUI at all?  i am not so great with numbers but even i can see that the odds are no where near my favor....

i sent an email conveying my frustration and concern over this and am waiting to hear what they have to say.

right now i am thinking i will try with the clomid this cycle and then regroup for IVF.  the thought of jumping to the IVF so early in the process was never something i really considered but i can't imagine why i wouldn't do it now looking at those numbers.

ohh and the possibility of adoption has entered my thought process as well.  that is something that i saw as being much further out but maybe it is closer than i thought.  just when i thought i had a handle on the IUI process....

so now i wait for a response and practice my breathing.  i am sure by tonight i will have a better sense of the silver lining with this new development but for now i am going to allow myself to feel all of this frustration.

....inhale.....exhale....inhale..... exhale.....

play it again sam!

tomorrow i begin again.  thinking the second time through will in many ways be easier because i know what to expect - which is very appealing to a virgo type A personality.  as well, i am hoping that knowing the process better will make it all feel much more routine and therefore minimize my amount of obsessiveness over the details.

today i realized that the weight of this whole process has stripped out some of my everyday happy.  no i am not cowering in the corner crying and hiding from people, but the emotional weight of this process has me feeling very intense.  had a massage over the weekend which i think helped me realize how tight and stressed my body is...which cannot be bueno as i move forward.

so starting today i have decided that i am going to put more emphasis on getting back to my more familiar happy kate place.  not exactly sure how it will look but i am hoping to start tonight with a mani/pedi.... followed by a visit to my acupuncturist, and maybe another massage...and reintroducing some fishing into my life....  (recognizing exercise as well but trying to find a fun way to build it in so that i am not rolling my eyes or cursing.)

for now sending all my positive thoughts to my growing follicles!  c'mon follicles!!  

if at first you don't succeed, try try again!

here is my recount of the past 16 or so hours.....

prepped everything last night before bed practically sleeping with the pregnancy test instructions to make sure i was ready for my early am pee time.

-  three tests because you have to have an odd number right?  best out of...?
-  red solo cup (...i fill you up, let's have a party!)

i woke up a few times during the night needing to go to the bathroom but held off till about 5:30am.  and then it was game on...

yes, the virgo in me totally kicked in and i used my phone to time the 2 minutes.  as you can see below, two tests said negative.  sad pants.

i was able to go to bed for a few hours and was up and out of the house in time for my blood test at 8:30am.  this was followed by even more waiting.  was told to expect my results between 3 and 7pm.  but am thankful they called me about 10 minutes ago (bit past noon) confirming that i am not yet pregnant.  not the best news but what i was expecting.

as i was leaving the doctor's office this morning there was another woman at the pay station who had also been there for just blood work and i just started talking to her....  ends up she is newly pregnant and they were just checking her hormone levels and she said that home tests often give false negatives.  whether that last part is true or not, it was exactly what i needed to hear.  and i hugged her.

i am feeling a little betrayed by my body right now.  i know that to get pregnant the first time is not the norm but they delay in my period really gave me a false sense of security and excitement.  yesterday i even went on pinterest searching for ideas for the nursery and announcement - - which is the first time i have spent more than 5 minutes invested in that part of all of this.

during my few hours of sleep post the negative home tests this am, i found myself trying to problem solve and i think i figured it out.  the progesterone delayed my period. and i just got confirmation from the nurse this is the case.

emotionally i am a bit of a mess.  not necessarily because it looks like i might not be pregnant.  sure i would be lying if i said i wasn't disappointed but the hardest part is with the changing of my cycle timing.  she isn't sure when i will get my period next and then i have to start the process again.

i have worked so hard to set my calendar based on my schedule, which has been so on point that i knew the hour range when i was going to get my period (between 4-7pm), and now it is all shot to hell.  i know that everything will work out as it should and this is all a part of my mom-to-be training but it is just frustrating when i try to plan and do it right and then it all falls apart.  if you had asked me two hours ago i was feeling close to broken on this topic but now i feel like it will all work out.  

i really just need to let go.  let go of trying to control the process.  i just need to trust.  so much easier said than done but this is my challenge.

yes, i expect that in all of this trusting that i am still going to cry a bunch because this process is really really hard.

i have so many friends who have been through this process and had a variety of outcomes.  even though i have only seen a slight glimpse into what this process is, i find myself so incredibly humbled by their fortitude and dedication...and hopeful that i can follow in their footsteps with the same strength and grace.

and many many thanks for all of the love and support i have been receiving in texts, emails, and calls.  they really do mean the world to me - and help me remember that i am not alone in this.  xoxo!  

and now i will make a toast with a delicious glass of bubbly to my next cycle!  may you be very very fertile!

the "rules" of full disclosure

so i have decided to be totally open with this blog in terms of my results that i get THIS friday and moving forward. (holy moly that is super soon....)

HOWEVER, if/when i do find myself prego, i ask that we be happy but not celebrate proper style until i complete my first trimester.  sharing joy is awesome but i would so not be out of the woods yet and i don't want us to put the cart before the horse.  

so how does a on the sly high five sound if i find i am "+"?  
(translation: "+" = positively pregnant)

now that we have the "rules" out of the way, let's talk about this two week wait..... oy vey!

so my friend erin said that this two week wait was going to be tough.  she was not kidding around!!!  not that i thought she was lying but i have been so focused on each step as it happens and looking ahead hasn't really been an option for me.

do i think i am pregnant?  your guess is as good as mine.  and my opinion changes on the topic from minute to minute.  also, i know i can talk myself in and out of a bag in the same sentence so i can't trust myself at all and my opinion on any of this.

although i have gotten better over the last week and a half with the waiting, i have conceded to the fact that i really just have to wait till friday.

i am taking 8% progesterone everyday which i am blaming for....

- my mood swings: cried 4 times during my allergy appointment last week, cried before prince of tides even started [but that was just a stupid pick for an emotional person in general]

- cramping: might just be constipation or gas... this is also helped by the pre-natal vitamins

- exhaustion:  have mercy!  i cannot get enough sleep.  finally starting to get back to normal-ish though. think this is also attributed to that sinus procedure that felt like 4 steps below water boarding, a couple of massive work travel weeks, and all of the emotional gravy from this whole process to fill in any holes on top of all the other stressful goodness.

i am supposed to get my period tomorrow/wednesday night so that might be a slight hint but i will hold onto that one since who knows how upside down my system might be with this whole process.


being the optimist that i am, i talk to my belly every night.... planning fun trips we are going to take together, explaining my big plans for the holidays from other cultures we are going to celebrate, and in general just getting to know one another.  pure joy.

more to follow and regardless as to whether our on the sly high fives start this friday or a month or six months from this friday, or when i adopt a beautiful baby, i am super excited at the prospect of starting this next chapter!

let's get it on....

ok, so I am a bit behind here as I write this posting from the waiting area for my SECOND insemination.  yay!  let me catch you up.....

Friday I went in for my final ultrasound and bloodwork of this cycle to learn that my 13mm follicle had grown to 21mm and that I was ovulating naturally so no need for the shot to help me along!  I then scheduled my two IUI appointments for Saturday and Sunday mornings at 8:30am.

I know you want to see my follicle right?  Super cute right?  Amazing this could actually be my future child.

(And as a quick refresher on what a follicle is... I believe it to be the sack that holds the egg until ovulation.  This was news to me...)

As well, on Friday I had this sinus procedure that was not as in and out as the doctor said it was.  I think I have experienced worse but can't seem to recall what could have been worse. Ultimately, I was just really shaken and once the bleeding stopped many hours later I settled down a bit - in time to help celebrate a friend's awesome 40th....that served as a perfect send off for me as well!

Saturday morning I made my way in for my insemination and was prepping my playlist in the waiting area.  And I had plenty of time to do it as well since I had to wait an hour for them to thaw the "guy next door plus" for the insemination.

The actual insemination was really straightforward. I listened to Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah" to keep myself calm, Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get it On" during the actual insemination, and Bread's "Make it with You" after.  Added in a little Carla Bruni as well during my post wait time which in total was about 8 minutes.

They told me I might have some cramping, like when I had my saline ultrasound (even though I had none), but yes I had cramping throughout the day.  Would like to consider that a good sign but a friend who went through this had the same her first time (of three)....but I am still, as always, optimistic!

(writing interrupted for insemination número dos)

Easier than the first!  Although funny she told me to wait 15-20 minutes before I got dressed (vs. 5 to 8) and elevated the bed (which the other nurse told me was a wives tale).  In the grand scheme of things I feel like I have covered all my bases.

It only takes one!

This time musically I led with Buckley's "Hallelujah" and then directly into "Eye of the Tiger"...on repeat resting on my belly post insemination.  Then a little "Chariots of Fire" to close it all down.

So what is next?

The doctor has me using 8% progesterone for the next two weeks to create a nice spongy uterine lining primed for my future baby to nestle into.  Then on the second Friday from today I will go in to find out whether I am with child or not.  Insane.  And pregnancy tests are frowned upon before the Friday.  Of course I asked.  Needed her to tell me no.

I have been finding myself having some bizarre thoughts....

Like in getting dressed yesterday and today I was careful to wear only gender neutral clothes - no pink or blue.  I want to be as unbiased as possible.

Logical right?!

Been really tired but have also been having some pretty jam packed weeks as well leading up to it so I am sure much of my exhaustion is linked to all of that - plus the nerves and excitement around this.

More to come.....