posters for purgatory

results are in.

regardless of how you look at it, this will not be a viable pregnancy.  sad pants.  but not surprising news.  pretty much what i expected.

the particulars...

- hcg level 25 (up from 22) - - should be around 50-75

- progesterone 1.5 (up from 1.3) - - should be 10

the nurse stated that basically i am looking at either a bio-chemical pregnancy (which is what they suspected and is fairly common) or the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy.  boo.

(silver lining: i know i can get pregnant)

implication of this news is that i am feeling like i am living in purgatory.  thinking i might decorate my space with some posters to make it feel a little homier.  anyone have a lorenzo lamas poster around by chance?

why purgatory you might ask?  well, i have to go in for another pregnancy test on friday with hopes that the numbers are decreasing because that means the risk of the ectopic pregnancy decrease exponentially.  if this is not a case, then i have to come in again and again until it decreases which makes me feel like this will not end.  honestly, i am just frustrated that even though i am not pregnant i still have to keep watch over it and i cannot just move on and get back to life and the next cycle.  seems sort of like a mean twisted game.

(silver lining: i am in town this month so i can make the appointments as needed)

while i am home this month, i basically took 2 months off work for this and this is not something i can keep up forever both on the baby front and with regard to my own sanity.  i am feeling like this month got wasted and now i have to get back to my schedule and figure out my next steps....again.

yes, you can make the priorities argument (as in, "if this is your priority then you will make it work").  if i worked a 9 to 5 this whole thing would be exponentially easier.  but i don't.  so it isn't.  i will figure it out.  i always do.  just frustrated and being a brat.  which i am ok with in this moment.

yet again, this process is shaking me off any ground that feels even slightly stable.  but that is parenting right?

(silver lining: this whole adventure is training for being a mom)

(silver lining: i can work my tuckus off in september now to make up for july and august - and make it to an old friend's wedding)