prepped everything last night before bed practically sleeping with the pregnancy test instructions to make sure i was ready for my early am pee time.
- three tests because you have to have an odd number right? best out of...?
- red solo cup (...i fill you up, let's have a party!)
i woke up a few times during the night needing to go to the bathroom but held off till about 5:30am. and then it was game on...
yes, the virgo in me totally kicked in and i used my phone to time the 2 minutes. as you can see below, two tests said negative. sad pants.
i was able to go to bed for a few hours and was up and out of the house in time for my blood test at 8:30am. this was followed by even more waiting. was told to expect my results between 3 and 7pm. but am thankful they called me about 10 minutes ago (bit past noon) confirming that i am not yet pregnant. not the best news but what i was expecting.
as i was leaving the doctor's office this morning there was another woman at the pay station who had also been there for just blood work and i just started talking to her.... ends up she is newly pregnant and they were just checking her hormone levels and she said that home tests often give false negatives. whether that last part is true or not, it was exactly what i needed to hear. and i hugged her.
i am feeling a little betrayed by my body right now. i know that to get pregnant the first time is not the norm but they delay in my period really gave me a false sense of security and excitement. yesterday i even went on pinterest searching for ideas for the nursery and announcement - - which is the first time i have spent more than 5 minutes invested in that part of all of this.
during my few hours of sleep post the negative home tests this am, i found myself trying to problem solve and i think i figured it out. the progesterone delayed my period. and i just got confirmation from the nurse this is the case.
emotionally i am a bit of a mess. not necessarily because it looks like i might not be pregnant. sure i would be lying if i said i wasn't disappointed but the hardest part is with the changing of my cycle timing. she isn't sure when i will get my period next and then i have to start the process again.
i have worked so hard to set my calendar based on my schedule, which has been so on point that i knew the hour range when i was going to get my period (between 4-7pm), and now it is all shot to hell. i know that everything will work out as it should and this is all a part of my mom-to-be training but it is just frustrating when i try to plan and do it right and then it all falls apart. if you had asked me two hours ago i was feeling close to broken on this topic but now i feel like it will all work out.
i really just need to let go. let go of trying to control the process. i just need to trust. so much easier said than done but this is my challenge.
yes, i expect that in all of this trusting that i am still going to cry a bunch because this process is really really hard.
i have so many friends who have been through this process and had a variety of outcomes. even though i have only seen a slight glimpse into what this process is, i find myself so incredibly humbled by their fortitude and dedication...and hopeful that i can follow in their footsteps with the same strength and grace.
and many many thanks for all of the love and support i have been receiving in texts, emails, and calls. they really do mean the world to me - and help me remember that i am not alone in this. xoxo!
and now i will make a toast with a delicious glass of bubbly to my next cycle! may you be very very fertile!
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