(so nervous)

so it is tuesday night and i pee on the stick on thursday morning.  so close but so far.

this week i am in maine with my mom and brother for some family time and it feels like the perfect place to learn that i am pregnant:  i can share this monumental moment with family, we are in the beautiful place where my mother was born, it is my 3rd time and i have 3 follicles, i was able to make my july schedule what it needed to be for this process, and i really really really want it to be.

i have already picked my spot where i plan to take my cup o' pee and pregnancy sticks so i can determine my future.  (it is a total stunner so get excited for thursday pics and news for sures)

all of the above is perfectly laid out.  but it almost seems to good to be true.  and this is where my nervousness really comes in.  i oddly don't seem to have any nerves about being pregnant but rather about if i am not.

i know i need to maintain my positive vibes (and i swear i am trying to chill myself out) but it is feeling really really really hard.  the progesterone has made me pretty tired again this round (more than last round), i have been feeling much more emotional than i have in the past, and i have been having weird cramps (drugs? gas?).  somehow the feeling of disappointment from the the first round (which was horribly intense) keeps lingering in my head making me afraid to feel hope and excitement knowing how far the fall is if i am not.  i know that i am a young babe in this whole process versus what many people go through but man is this hard regardless of how long you have been in it.  and i just realized that even though this is only my 3rd cycle of IUI, this month marks my 1 year anniversary of being in this process.  wow.  yet another reason why i hope this is (and should be) my time!

i am trying to tell myself that even though this appears to be a possible perfectly scripted kate's law occasion, i would really love to have this be the moment to break the trend forever more.

ok, time for bed.  hoping for sweet thoughts and dreams of some healthy baby development in my lady parts!

ohh and so appreciate all of the emails and texts of encouragement.  really appreciate it.  really really really.