so i am up and at my computer. teeth brushed and flossed. dressed for the gym - because that will happen today. just printed my notes from my casting lesson this week so i can have them for reference for when i head to the casting pond after i eat breakfast. after that i will do some work.
i feel like i am sort of stagnating with work having been on the back burner, not having the type of success i was hoping for on the baby (my main focus), romantic relationships being a danger zone, and i am finding myself filled with so much energy which feels kinda overwhelming. i need to do something that gives me a sense of accomplishment right now. just need to figure out what it is.
realized this week that fishing really is my version of meditation, or at least casting, so i am going to work to build that in as many times in a week as i can. hoping this combined with my massages, acupuncture, and exercise will allow me to enjoy a bit more calm.
outside of that i am still not sure what the plan will be. it will come. it always does.
i hope this doesn't come off as if i am lost in depression because i don't feel that way. disappointed? yes. frustrated? yes. aware that what i am going through it more of the rule rather than the exception? yes.
the latter has been my 'ah ha' moment of this cycle. i cannot thank my friends enough for sharing their stories and struggles with me. not sure you can fully understand how much it means to me. as i said above, it has helped me see that this process is not as easy as i thought and that it is the nature of the process and not me. this takes a lot of pressure off of me and gives me hope that i can lighten my spirit as i progress. i need to readjust my attitude and right now i am working through what that will look like so i can wholeheartedly own it. 150% kate embrace it.
i have been spending some time trying to understand why i expected it to be easier including...
- i am putting in the work and work nets positive results (right?)
- my unlucky and at times ridiculous dating history (can we say bedazzled teeth guy?)
- according to my mother, and our "sex" talk, i am fertile
the fertile comment led to a fear that if i was even in the same room with a sperm i was just about guaranteed to be pregnant. think this mindset coming to terms with what is the reality of the situation and process is what i am still working to reconcile - but i have made incredible progress as of late. clearly i know that hard work means nothing in this process and that i guess the universe isn't going to throw me a bone regardless of my dating exploits. dang it. but i guess the entertainment value of the stories is enough.
but here is what i am realizing as i type this, i have time. maybe the universe isn't throwing me a meaty bone like i initially envisioned during my first cycle, but it is going to happen. whether i have the baby myself or i adopt, i am going to be a mom. maybe not on my schedule but it will happen and i know that. i just have to keep my eye on the prize. patience isn't my strong point but this is a lesson and one i can imagine that my league of guardian angels above are trying to help me with. i just have to trust they will push me only as hard as they think i can manage and trust that they know what they are doing. grandpa and victoria - i am depending on you and the gang to help me get to where i need to be. i trust you all but a memo containing your objectives for my development and a timeline would be super appreciated! and do you work with me but please be gentle.
wow. so this was supposed to be a quick entry but clearly i needed to sound out a bit more than i thought. off to make some breakfast and get this day started! xoxo!
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