last time i took a break in all of this i was pretty overwhelmed with everything but this time not so much and i am feeling pretty emotional over not being able to move forward in this cycle. i think that my week of zen at that spa (the blog post that i haven't yet finished - i will get there) really helped me come to a place of better awareness and calm in all parts of my life and has me really amped up and ready to do this! even more than before if that is even possible...
for the record, this cycle is impossible because of work. i have a huge international project that is going to have me out of town for a solid 12 days which means no time for my glorious blood work and ultrasounds. i know i have to work since i pretty much have been twiddling my thumbs for the last 2 months and this is part of the balance i have to practice at this point in this process.
but it sucks. pretty bad actually.
this morning i think this sadness was amplified with the start of the birth control. yep, taking my prenatals and plopping on my ortho evra patch. so weird. to confirm for those of you who might be super confused at this point, the plan is to control when i get my period so there is a chance i can actually make my november cycle baby viable. sort of a long shot but one i am prepared to take (and yes, this plan has been approved as being safe by 2 doctors and a nurse).
i must say that picking up my prenatals and ortho evra prescriptions together was pretty entertaining - - the look on the pharmacist's face was that of pure confusion!
but as of this moment, plans for project "woot woot november is looking like a great month to get pregnant" has begun. now i just have to be patient with the process - - which i will do with my new breathing and meditation practice.
i have to say though that i am super thankful to be back working. and not just working but i have a 3 country project, 2 markets in each and i am so excited to really be thinking and professionally challenged! had a super great call with the client and i had things to say and they weren't just the usual things which is what made it so much more rewarding. so great to exercise my brain and have it provide value for others!
yes, this is a bit dramatic but i have been feeling rather underutilized over the past few months since i was working towards the baby at the expense of work and other things and have little to show for it (and yes, yes, i know all the silver linings but you know what i mean...). so now i can relax in a space that is known and very comfortable where i can actually produce the something they need from me. needless to say i really love my job and am so very thankful for the satisfaction it can provide me!
so i really enjoy this blog because i sit down with a ball of emotion or whatever and i am not always sure what it means but by the end i feel like i have so much more clarity and feel like my thoughts are better organized.
today's blog ah-ha is that for this cycle i just need to focus on my giddiness for this upcoming project. sure, have a grumpy sad moment but then open my eyes and see how the universe has opened up this great example of balance in front of me.
this may not seem like an ah-ha to you but for a long time my lack of routine in my life was a huge hindrance and barrier for me to be successful - - well, at least that is how i constructed it to be. it seems i was super good at identifying the micro routine (wake up, floss...) and the larger cycle (i will be super motivated and busy but then wear myself down into a puddle of mush) but could never identify the middle of the road pattern that is the one i am actually supposed to be following. i can get lost in trying to compare myself to others (doubt i am alone in this) but that just leads to trouble. i am not, nor could i ever be a 9 to 5'er. works for some but could never be me - but i can see a lot of benefits in that lifestyle which has led to some extra struggles for me because i want things that i can never have like knowing i can take the drawing class at the art institute because i know i will be in town every tuesday night for the next 6 weeks. (yes, that is probably a run-on but it totally captures my complete exasperation in this space)
but now looking at this broader pattern of my life i can see that the last two months were really about focusing on me and my future and that now i need to balance that laser focus of mine into more of a professional focus which brings me similar satisfaction. i always envisioned what i wanted as being able to be accomplish balance of everything in a day and well, looking at my pattern that is crap and not realistic for who i am and who i want to be.
so kate, i give you permission to be your 150% self for work for september and october and to take november and december to be your 150% for you and your baby plans (maybe with a dash of work sprinkled in). this is step one in redefining what my version of balance is and recognizing that what it may be today or 2 months from now may be totally different than a year from now - and that is just fine. i just have to remember that i am moving forward, regardless of how fast or slow i am moving, it is 150% authentic kate.
perspective restored. time for breakfast.
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