Hitting the pause button

Wow. 

Quite a crazy month or so!  And I have quite a lot to update you all on so here we go....

My November cycle actually was another chemical pregnancy (so 2 for 2 chemical pregs with the fertility drugs).  Again, this is pretty normal and I was told it was nothing to worry about. 

Although seen as nothing to worry about, I then made an appt with a new fertility doctor thinking my next steps would be harvesting my eggs and freezing them. This last part was pretty surprising to me. Freezing?  I am Kate, I have a plan and that is to get a baby in my belly ASAP....or do I? and is that really the plan?

Dear universe, thank you for your many complications!  I believe in my last post I might have mentioned a special someone who seems to have thrown a most wondeful wrench into my baby plan. While he is totally on board if I want to continue, this has certainly given me a lot to think about and I feel like this is the time for me to step back. 

With all of this said, I figured I would harvest my eggs and freeze them: so if things don't work out then I am ready for immediate IVF and if we do work out but need the egg for later we are covered. Perfect plan. Maybe in my head. 

So met with a new fertility doctor mid-January who is awesome!  (Again, sorry for my delay in updating...). We spoke for about 30 minutes and he listened to me, used unique sentences (unlike my previous doc who felt scripted), and I feel, gave me great perspective. 

Key learning:

36 year old frozen eggs = 38 year old fresh eggs.

Hmm... Thinking that I would be using them before or around that time so why put myself through it all? 

So that night I had a conversation with the gentleman in question about it all to get his perspective since he is very much a part of this decision. While we clearly recognize that we are at the beginning, we both think it may be the beginning of something so.... my baby plans are officially being placed for the back burner. (Crazy right?!)

I feel really confident about this because regardless of how this scenario plays out, I have a clear sense of next baby steps. And this just kinda feels right. (Insert warm happy smile)

Oddly, because I have been so public with this whole process, sharing this development with all of you is a point of nervousness of me. That may seem silly but for me it is kinda hard shifting like this after being so focused on a single goal - and in my head all of my fears and judgments are now being placed in your heads whether they are rational or realistic at all. 

BUT then I laugh at myself and remember that this is the potential of the path we all wish for and I know you are all sharing in my current happiness. 

So there you have it!  Amazing what a year can do right?

Now I just sit back and enjoy life and see where it wants to take me!  (Which I can do because my astrological chart said I am having 2 babies eventually.)

Much love to you all!!  And thank you so much for all of your support and love!  And not sure about you, but I am excited to read my next baby blog post whenever that might be!

wah waaaaahhhhhh

So I cheated and took the test a day earlier. I have been so busy with life and work during the 2 week wait that I haven't been obsessing over it and didn't want the next 24 to be like that. 

REALLY tomorrow technically is the start of week 3 so I waited my 2 weeks but who is looking to justify their bending of the rules?  Oh wait, that would be me!

So I just got my results about 5 minutes ago but the test really had my verdict in the first minute. The final 2 minutes were just to torture me. 

Feeling kinda disappointed - which seems like a realistic reaction. On a positive note, now I don't have to worry about being tired during the marathon that the holidays are. Hmm... Not sure that actually makes me feel any better. 

Feel like this time it is less about trying to find the silver lining and more about just counting my many many blessings.... You all know who you are!  

Recently I met someone who is my quadfecta of smart, funny, interesting, and kind AND he is beyond supportive of everything I am doing. (I would go on but if he is reading this I don't want him to get too big of a head) Yet another blessing. Who knows where it will go but I am excited to see. 

As for why this wasn't my cycle, I am thinking that...

- the universe didn't want to give ME a big head by giving me too much goodness at one time

- the universe is just working to spread out life's amazing moments

- or maybe the astrologer was wrong and 5 really is my lucky number

Ultimately, I am just here for the ride so it seems. And although I am very impatient, I am very excited to see how my life develops. 

I have one more cycle with the IUI and then I start looking into possible next steps like IVF or maybe even adoption. I am going to take December off because of the craziness that is the holiday season with the plan to have January be my 5th and final IUI.  (Of note, it is the final because I am only allowed 3 cycles with the fertility drugs and this will be my 3rd after 2 natural cycles.)

My more immediate plan is to pee on a second stick tomorrow and just skip the blood test. This also means I can stop with the progesterone which has me feeling like those 10 pounds I lost didn't get lost. Ohh!  And this means I have another month to take care of me and get closer to my weight loss goals...but starting after I have some pie for breakfast and maybe lunch. 

I am ok. Not my best. But I am ok. I can already feel your warm hugs and support without any of you saying a word!  So appreciative of that!  No words to express. 

If I do not speak with ya'll till after the holidays, wishing you all much love, joy, and laughter this season!  Merry Christmas and a most joyous New Year!

worst blogger ever

Hi all!

Hello from my two week wait!  This Friday I will, rather WE will, learn the verdict from lucky cycle number 4!

There has been a lot going on but here is the update...

- 3 beautiful follicles ready to become my next generation

- I had a spectacular turkey day send off with some neighbors and some delicious bubbles and wine and turkey and Brussel sprouts and pie....

- I got basted the Friday and Saturday post turkey day with a neighbor there to keep me company as well as some Marvin Gaye and Eye of Tiger of course

- So now I am in Miami for work and excited to be distracted for the next 2 days

Overall, I am feeling fine. A little tired but nothing too crazy. Totally bloated with some funny cramping but pretty sure it is driven by the progesterone. 

More details to come on Friday!  

So appreciative for all the positive vibes!

4 really is my lucky number...

...ask the astrologer who did my chart and read my palms!  He later added 9 to the mix but that was much later in the reading so I am making the executive decision to stick with the number 4!

So far so good!  My creative usage of birth control worked like a charm and yesterday I had my baseline bloodwork and ultrasound. Because of my results last cycle with the possible chemical pregnancy he also took a LOT more blood to make sure everything is good (e.g., thyroid).  Those results will be back in about two weeks. 

My baseline results were all positive and I started with my Chlomid last night. 

Emotionally I am feeling really strong. Totally recharged after an amazing holiday with some spectacular friends. Unlike past cycles, this time the plan is that I will do this while I am working...and no, this isn't freaking me out (yet) which is really encouraging. I think I will be fine but just know how trying the wait period can be. Working to just take it as it comes!

Other tidbits from the astrologer (because you KNOW it is all true)....

- I will have 2 healthy, strong, smart babies by 2019 

- I am set to be married between May 15, 2014 and December 15, 2015 so mark your calendars!  And word on the chart is that he is a smart one and a keeper forevermore....

- My babies will get married and give me grandbabies!

- My lucky stones are emerald and diamonds. Feel free to send me as many of those as you want for good luck!  Wink wink!

- I will retire at 59

- I will live till 87 with tough years from age 80 to 83

(And yes, this felt much better than the previous psychic visit a few months ago. Two visits in like 3 months - who am I?)

Can't wait to get and post this cycle's follicle pics!  Hope the anticipation of my follicles doesn't keep you up!  Something to look forward to....

"healthier living" update

you might recall this post from mid january earlier this year....

welcome to day three of my healthier lifestyle.

feeling good.

what makes my lifestyle healthier?  glad you asked....

- working to be active for at least 30 minutes a day (e.g., walking, exercise video)
- smoothies with kale and a variety of other healthy fresh ingredients
- writing down exactly what i am eating and when

- and PRE-NATAL vitamins!!

starting the pre-natal vitamins feels like the first real step towards my countdown. i am really doing this. this is going to be an amazing adventure!

i am a super good starter of things related to health but not the best finisher which is why i am starting small and trying to really have it just meld into my world.  while i am not so good as nurturing and taking care of myself, i am optimistic that this little angel will be all the inspiration i need.

in the spirit of full disclosure i must share that last night i finally put in my jillian michael's ab workout video.  in the warm up she had me doing squats, lunges, and burpees (only my most hated exercises outside of the frog jump).  i only made it 6.5 minutes into the video but am very optimistic that tonight i will make it to 7.5.  net: it can only get better!

so i wanted to take this opportunity to update you on how my healthy living is coming along.

one key difference from then and now...  before i was trying to get healthy for the baby and now i really want to get healthy for me.  wow.  this is beyond huge for me and feels amazing.

this july i joined a gym and got a trainer.  it was a struggle but i felt good doing it and saw a glimmer of my potential which was really exciting for me.  with all of my travel the exercise was really hard to accomplish and even though i would work out 5 times a week i kept watching my weight increase.  argh!

this is when i finally bit the bullet and joined weight watchers.  i think this program was built for me.  i am starting week #4 today and lost 3.4 pounds the first week, gained 2 the second, and lost 2.4 last week.  so i am down 3.8 pounds!  i would like to point out that i was also on the road at a conference last week...this really shows that i can rock it no matter where i am when i put my mind to it!

what is most exciting is that all of my working out and everything i had been doing with regard to my eating are coming together well and ww is really helping me balance things out.  did i mention loving it?  (unless i am angry at point or activity calculations....sorry abby!)

other accomplishments of note...

- i have finished the jillian michael's ab video multiple times with my fabulous neighbors
- last week i ran 5 miles in 60 minutes
- today i ran a 5k in 33 minutes - - including a couple of lights!  personal record!
- really careful about imputing everything i eat in ww (every ounce of wine is accounted for...)

so the plan is that i stay on this healthy eating and drinking track, go to this amazing wedding in india, and come home to make a baby!

for this next round i am going to balance work and baby making all together.  think i have it planned out as well as i can and now we just have to see how it all pans out.  fingers and toes crossed!

a whole lotta zen!

ahhh.... so not sure i have the words to properly convey the magic that was my spa adventure at miraval.  it was only 5 days but 5 days of complete and total bliss.

i took so much away from this time including....

- the power of intention (knowing what you truly want and the importance of acknowledging the related fears surrounding getting what you want...so simple but ridiculously intense if you really think about it.

we did this clay class where i made a pinch pot and little pebbles with the things that i am actively working on.  they also had this labyrinth where you are supposed to focus on something, an intention, walk through it, and then leave a rock or something you bring in the middle as a symbol of your intention.

the labyrinth (and you can see my pot in the middle if you squint)

i left my pot as well as three key pebbles - intention, confidence, and kindness.  in my head this translated to my committing to living my life with greater intention, allowing this intention to give me more confidence and surety in everything i do and doing this in a way that is kind to myself since it won't all come together immediately....and that is ok. [in those last four words i had a flash of stuart smalley (which i enjoyed greatly)]

 my pinch pot and pebbles

- the magic of living in the moment and being mindful of oneself (i/we all get busy and sometimes find ourselves just going through the motions when really our quality of life would be so much better if we could feel and enjoy life as it is happening.  yes, john lennon knew what he was talking about.)

- that it is much easier to give than to receive (yes, yes, it is.  and i am a HORRIBLE receiver.  seeing this is half of the battle right?)

- recognizing that i am not as focused as i want to be but that this can be achieved through practicing meditation and better breathing practices (for those days, weeks, or months when you feel so distracted by all of the things in your life and can't finish a single thought - this is the cure!  well, something that will help me be more present anyway...)

where i practiced my meditation, breathing, and yoga

- the power of stretching and how important it is to my overall health (with my new healthier lifestyle my body feels totally bound up and stretching makes me feel so much more at ease.  now only if i can find a way to have the feeling after a 100 minute naga massage everyday....)

- horses aren't scary and are actually pretty awesome (historically, riding horses has not been an enjoyable experience but now i "get them" better.  an hour is a healthy ride time for now.  and of course my trail ride horse was a compulsive butt rubber on bushes and got kicked in the face by another horse because he was being pushy and asserting his alpha status....but oddly, still a great experience.  thanks abby for the peer pressure!)

kate with bailey, aka boo

- my life is so go go go and that i need more space in my life (yep.  trying to simplify everything - but will slow down more starting in the new year....okay?  needless to say, this is and will continue to be a very hard one for me.)

- mediation is cool (love that it is a practice and that no matter who you are it is hard to focus solely on your breathing for any period of time.  did it this am.  really want to start doing it daily but baby steps...)

what was so amazing during this trip is that abby, the friend i went with, did pretty different things than i did (e.g., trail run, drum circle, water aerobics) and we both walked away totally refreshed and ready for what the world has to offer!

i am now almost 2 weeks out from this amazing break from reality and i feel like i am still holding onto the magic of possibility!  it feels great.  parts of life that can be really scary to me, aren't so scary anymore because they can't really hurt me.  you just have to purely move towards the things you want and know your fears and you will be just fine.... (easier typed than lived but i am working on it...)

i have been working out pretty aggressively and am proud to report that i have finally finished the jillian michael's video.  it took me a while to put it back in the dvd player but on the second attempt we had success!  it certainly helped to have a friend suffering beside me.  today it was two friends suffering beside me.  makes it so much more satisfying!

i have some ambitious health goals on the horizon and will take my two pound increase of muscle in the past two months as a sign of success.  now i just have to figure out the food part which is my total "newman" in this process.  but based on my above learnings i now just have to figure out how to make it all work within the scope of my pattern...and be kind with my virgo self as i find my way through it all.

of course, i am heading to a birthday party/wedding this weekend followed by a 12 day business trip so i will certainly be tested.  i just have to keep my perspective and try to make the healthiest decisions i can, one at a time....and not spiral into despair when i choose the fried chicken entree over some sort of salad entree.  (wedding is in atlanta = good fried chicken)

seems my last few posts have been more like novelas.  sorry for that but many thanks for putting up with me as i reason my life out.... and of course, thanks again for your amazing love and support.  ever brimming with gratitude!

kind of an emotional morning

so i got my period.  big whoop right?  taking this cycle off so no big deal.  so then why am i feeling like this?

last time i took a break in all of this i was pretty overwhelmed with everything but this time not so much and i am feeling pretty emotional over not being able to move forward in this cycle.  i think that my week of zen at that spa (the blog post that i haven't yet finished - i will get there) really helped me come to a place of better awareness and calm in all parts of my life and has me really amped up and ready to do this!  even more than before if that is even possible...

for the record, this cycle is impossible because of work.  i have a huge international project that is going to have me out of town for a solid 12 days which means no time for my glorious blood work and ultrasounds.  i know i have to work since i pretty much have been twiddling my thumbs for the last 2 months and this is part of the balance i have to practice at this point in this process.

but it sucks. pretty bad actually.

this morning i think this sadness was amplified with the start of the birth control.  yep, taking my prenatals and plopping on my ortho evra patch.  so weird.  to confirm for those of you who might be super confused at this point, the plan is to control when i get my period so there is a chance i can actually make my november cycle baby viable.  sort of a long shot but one i am prepared to take (and yes, this plan has been approved as being safe by 2 doctors and a nurse).

i must say that picking up my prenatals and ortho evra prescriptions together was pretty entertaining - - the look on the pharmacist's face was that of pure confusion!

but as of this moment, plans for project "woot woot november is looking like a great month to get pregnant" has begun.  now i just have to be patient with the process - - which i will do with my new breathing and meditation practice.

i have to say though that i am super thankful to be back working.  and not just working but i have a 3 country project, 2 markets in each and i am so excited to really be thinking and professionally challenged!  had a super great call with the client and i had things to say and they weren't just the usual things which is what made it so much more rewarding.  so great to exercise my brain and have it provide value for others!

yes, this is a bit dramatic but i have been feeling rather underutilized over the past few months since i was working towards the baby at the expense of work and other things and have little to show for it (and yes, yes, i know all the silver linings but you know what i mean...).  so now i can relax in a space that is known and very comfortable where i can actually produce the something they need from me.  needless to say i really love my job and am so very thankful for the satisfaction it can provide me!

so i really enjoy this blog because i sit down with a ball of emotion or whatever and i am not always sure what it means but by the end i feel like i have so much more clarity and feel like my thoughts are better organized.

today's blog ah-ha is that for this cycle i just need to focus on my giddiness for this upcoming project.  sure, have a grumpy sad moment but then open my eyes and see how the universe has opened up this great example of balance in front of me.  

this may not seem like an ah-ha to you but for a long time my lack of routine in my life was a huge hindrance and barrier for me to be successful - - well, at least that is how i constructed it to be.  it seems i was super good at identifying the micro routine (wake up, floss...) and the larger cycle (i will be super motivated and busy but then wear myself down into a puddle of mush) but could never identify the middle of the road pattern that is the one i am actually supposed to be following.  i can get lost in trying to compare myself to others (doubt i am alone in this) but that just leads to trouble.  i am not, nor could i ever be a 9 to 5'er.  works for some but could never be me - but i can see a lot of benefits in that lifestyle which has led to some extra struggles for me because i want things that i can never have like knowing i can take the drawing class at the art institute because i know i will be in town every tuesday night for the next 6 weeks. (yes, that is probably a run-on but it totally captures my complete exasperation in this space)

but now looking at this broader pattern of my life i can see that the last two months were really about focusing on me and my future and that now i need to balance that laser focus of mine into more of a professional focus which brings me similar satisfaction.  i always envisioned what i wanted as being able to be accomplish balance of everything in a day and well, looking at my pattern that is crap and not realistic for who i am and who i want to be.  

so kate, i give you permission to be your 150% self for work for september and october and to take november and december to be your 150% for you and your baby plans (maybe with a dash of work sprinkled in).  this is step one in redefining what my version of balance is and recognizing that what it may be today or 2 months from now may be totally different than a year from now - and that is just fine.  i just have to remember that i am moving forward, regardless of how fast or slow i am moving, it is 150% authentic kate.

perspective restored.  time for breakfast.

next steps....

ahh!  have i mentioned how much better i feel now that cycle is over?  thinking in a few more days i will be able to celebrate the fact that i can get pregnant much more but right now i am just celebrating the fact that i feel so much more relaxed.

in terms of next steps....

nurse called yesterday with hcg results and i am down to 5.  great news!

i spoke with the doctor today about the particulars around what happened last cycle and learned that what happened last cycle was pretty common but he was encouraged that my body is doing what it needs to have success.  the one weird thing from the call was him referring to the short pregnancy i had as a miscarriage.  i guess technically that is what happened but it doesn't really feel like it because i hadn't had time to emotionally or physically connect with the baby.  he reinforced how common they are and that often the body rejects the embryo because it is not healthy.  amazing how the body works!  

ultimately, it appears i am going to be taking a few months off picking back up for my december (maybe november) cycle. feels a little weird to be taking another break after only having one cycle, but this is process is really all about balance right?  and really this was two cycles with only one active baby making cycle.  AND the doctor said it was not a bad thing for my body and actually good so that it can get back to normal.  thanks doc!  love when i get permission for the things i want to do....

while my last break in baby making was driven by my amazing trip with my dad, this next break is due to a once in a lifetime wedding in india this november (and a crazy busy month of work for september).   yes, that does not mean i can't in october but i am thinking that i would rather take that variable out of the india trip to limit my stress and increase my overall enjoyment.

so umm my strategizing never seems to end...  while it is abundantly clear that i have no control in this situation, this does not mean that i cannot come up with ways to make things work more towards my favor (potentially).  to date this has included my massages, acupuncture, and new gym regimen...and smoothies!  can't forget those smoothies!  but in order to hopefully build in a november cycle i am going back on birth control.

i know it probably sounds ridiculous that i will go on birth control when trying to have a baby but this means that i can plan when my period will hit with relation to my return from india.  basically, it gives me more control of when i will get my period.  so i just have to time things so that my period hits right as i am returning from india in time for my baseline.

but kate, what are the implications of this on when you get your period again and is this really ok?  why yes it is!  i have had 1 nurse and 2 doctors tell me this is totally fine and will not impact my cycle at all.  in terms of how long it will take for me to get my period once i allow my body to do it, that is the only wild card but based on past experiences with this same birth control, it will be a few days.

and if this backfires, which it will may, then i will just start in december as i had originally planned.  no risk, no reward.

saturday i am heading to a spa for a long weekend with a girlfriend for a nice restorative treat.  really excited to test out yoga and really give meditation a try...they have oodles of these classes.  these are things i have always wanted to try but have never really clicked for me.  now i can give them a proper effort and make my final determination on the two.  i am not so good at sitting still unless i am working to clean out my dvr so we will see.  the countdown till departure continues...

little victory of the day: hcg is dropping!

wow.  as i type that subject the irony of the placement of joy is not lost on me.  hoping forevermore that i am whoo hooing about the doubling and tripling of my hcg.

but for now this is a blessing.  it has dropped to 19.7 (from 25).  i have one last blood test next tuesday to confirm all is good to go but the nurse said the doctor is optimistic.

i feel like i just lost 2000 pounds of stress and anxiety.  now i am able to look forward and not feel chained to this cycle.  this morning i wasn't thinking that i was going to get good news because everything that could go wrong did.  but erin was right and i was just getting all the crap out of the way this am.  exhale!

anticipating my silver linings for this mornings #*#& to be...

- now i know that 3 blood draws from the same vein in a week can dry it out (first 2 dried it out)
- i am aware that i have good veins in both arms
- there is a brand new payment machine that looks almost EXACTLY like the old one at the parking garage at the clinic and you have to swipe your credit card differently or else it will make tons of noises and not give you your card back
- people are not far to help you so always try the assistance button and don't give up even though you can't really understand them and they can't understand you

i am already laughing at myself for how frustrated and angry i was this morning at all of this but i guess i have had a pretty stressful week so i will let it slide.

feeling like the tide has definitely turned!  good news on my results, client ok'd an insane travel schedule as is that could have been made even longer and more complicated, and i made some progress processing my "don't want to deal with this now" shelf.  happy friday indeed!

holy unharnessed energy

so i am up and at my computer.  teeth brushed and flossed.  dressed for the gym - because that will happen today.  just printed my notes from my casting lesson this week so i can have them for reference for when i head to the casting pond after i eat breakfast.  after that i will do some work.

i feel like i am sort of stagnating with work having been on the back burner, not having the type of success i was hoping for on the baby (my main focus), romantic relationships being a danger zone, and i am finding myself filled with so much energy which feels kinda overwhelming.  i need to do something that gives me a sense of accomplishment right now.  just need to figure out what it is.

realized this week that fishing really is my version of meditation, or at least casting, so i am going to work to build that in as many times in a week as i can.  hoping this combined with my massages, acupuncture, and exercise will allow me to enjoy a bit more calm.

outside of that i am still not sure what the plan will be.  it will come.  it always does.

i hope this doesn't come off as if i am lost in depression because i don't feel that way.  disappointed?  yes.  frustrated?  yes.  aware that what i am going through it more of the rule rather than the exception? yes.

the latter has been my 'ah ha' moment of this cycle.  i cannot thank my friends enough for sharing their stories and struggles with me.  not sure you can fully understand how much it means to me.  as i said above, it has helped me see that this process is not as easy as i thought and that it is the nature of the process and not me.  this takes a lot of pressure off of me and gives me hope that i can lighten my spirit as i progress.  i need to readjust my attitude and right now i am working through what that will look like so i can wholeheartedly own it.  150% kate embrace it.

i have been spending some time trying to understand why i expected it to be easier including...

- i am putting in the work and work nets positive results (right?)
- my unlucky and at times ridiculous dating history (can we say bedazzled teeth guy?)
- according to my mother, and our "sex" talk,  i am fertile

the fertile comment led to a fear that if i was even in the same room with a sperm i was just about guaranteed to be pregnant.  think this mindset coming to terms with what is the reality of the situation and process is what i am still working to reconcile - but i have made incredible progress as of late.  clearly i know that hard work means nothing in this process and that i guess the universe isn't going to throw me a bone regardless of my dating exploits.  dang it.  but i guess the entertainment value of the stories is enough.

but here is what i am realizing as i type this, i have time.  maybe the universe isn't throwing me a meaty bone like i initially envisioned during my first cycle, but it is going to happen.  whether i have the baby myself or i adopt, i am going to be a mom.  maybe not on my schedule but it will happen and i know that.  i just have to keep my eye on the prize.  patience isn't my strong point but this is a lesson and one i can imagine that my league of guardian angels above are trying to help me with.  i just have to trust they will push me only as hard as they think i can manage and trust that they know what they are doing.  grandpa and victoria - i am depending on you and the gang to help me get to where i need to be.  i trust you all but a memo containing your objectives for my development and a timeline would be super appreciated!  and do you work with me but please be gentle.

wow.  so this was supposed to be a quick entry but clearly i needed to sound out a bit more than i thought.  off to make some breakfast and get this day started!  xoxo!

posters for purgatory

results are in.

regardless of how you look at it, this will not be a viable pregnancy.  sad pants.  but not surprising news.  pretty much what i expected.

the particulars...

- hcg level 25 (up from 22) - - should be around 50-75

- progesterone 1.5 (up from 1.3) - - should be 10

the nurse stated that basically i am looking at either a bio-chemical pregnancy (which is what they suspected and is fairly common) or the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy.  boo.

(silver lining: i know i can get pregnant)

implication of this news is that i am feeling like i am living in purgatory.  thinking i might decorate my space with some posters to make it feel a little homier.  anyone have a lorenzo lamas poster around by chance?

why purgatory you might ask?  well, i have to go in for another pregnancy test on friday with hopes that the numbers are decreasing because that means the risk of the ectopic pregnancy decrease exponentially.  if this is not a case, then i have to come in again and again until it decreases which makes me feel like this will not end.  honestly, i am just frustrated that even though i am not pregnant i still have to keep watch over it and i cannot just move on and get back to life and the next cycle.  seems sort of like a mean twisted game.

(silver lining: i am in town this month so i can make the appointments as needed)

while i am home this month, i basically took 2 months off work for this and this is not something i can keep up forever both on the baby front and with regard to my own sanity.  i am feeling like this month got wasted and now i have to get back to my schedule and figure out my next steps....again.

yes, you can make the priorities argument (as in, "if this is your priority then you will make it work").  if i worked a 9 to 5 this whole thing would be exponentially easier.  but i don't.  so it isn't.  i will figure it out.  i always do.  just frustrated and being a brat.  which i am ok with in this moment.

yet again, this process is shaking me off any ground that feels even slightly stable.  but that is parenting right?

(silver lining: this whole adventure is training for being a mom)

(silver lining: i can work my tuckus off in september now to make up for july and august - and make it to an old friend's wedding)

you best be sitting for this one

monday i went in for my baseline which is bloodwork and my ultrasound to make sure i have lots of little follicles ready to grow and get big and strong.  of note, i had about 8 on each side which was muy bueno.  this visit is typically followed by a call from the nurse telling me the results and i expected her to tell me which day to start my chlomid.

i missed the call by a nano second but got the following message (and again, you best be sitting for this one):

"just calling to give you your results from today and umm and we cannot start treatment this cycle because your hcg level, which is the pregnancy hormone, is not negative it is positive but it is a low positive. [i'm sorry? what? you said i have a positive pregnancy hormone? i definitely have my period right now, it is not spotting] ummm so when that happens we don't know quite what is going on. [sorry, still not really following...] it could be implantation is starting but it is a little later than we would have thought.  umm the first check we like that level to be at 25 and your level is at 22. [22 is really close to 25 - - i am no quant person but that is only 12% off normal numbers...that feels pretty close] so, it is a little lower than a first check would be here. [huh?]

there are some other possibilities which could be bio chemical where the pregnancy starts but does not complete so we are actually going to ask the lab to run progesterone tomorrow. [so wait, i was pregnant?  huh?] we will call with those results.  [progesterone level just came in moments ago and are a super low at 1.3 where normal is 10.  this might mean that it was bio chemical pregnancy which she said is pretty common.]

ultimately, they had me come in today for blood work...but really was a pregnancy test.  huh?  here they will be looking at my hcg level to see if it is rising - for a normal pregnancy they expect it to double every 2-3 days.  if they are lower that suggests that it was a bio chemical pregnancy which again means that it started but did not complete for whatever reason.

i can't help but laugh at this!  kate's law strikes again! can it never be a simple yes or no?

the nurse has been amazing and totally diplomatic in sharing all of the news and answering all of my questions.  in fact, i didn't even call her till about 1pm yesterday because i was waiting for her to call with the progesterone levels - which happened much later in the day.  she told me how she was surprised that it took me so long to call.  in retrospect, i think i am a little surprised as well!

i am approaching this from the perspective that i am not pregnant but totally encouraged by the fact that i can get pregnant.  but i will know more - and hopefully a more conclusive yes or no - when my blood results come back later today.

more to follow...

first year was just warm up...

...now cue the 'eye of the tiger' because this is a fresh start!  all i want for my birthday is for august to be my successful healthy baby cycle.

so last night i dreamt i peed on my two sticks and one said i was prego and the other was defunct with no reading at all.  this lead to my first feeling of optimism in the past few days.  sadly, it was rather short lived.  i woke up around 5am and couldn't quite bring myself to get out of bed out of fear.  by 5:30 i had my jeans and flops on as well as my babymoon shirt with a rainbow, unicorn, and teddy bear with my pee mug in hand.

proud to say this time i did not spill urine all over and was able to maintain it in the mug down the stairs, across the lawn, and through the low tide terrain.  i must confess those rocks are much slipperier than i expected and the urine had one close call but we both persevered.

so i picked my rock, negotiated space with some snails, and set up shop.  it was such a beautiful and serene morning.  i was able to get a few pictures before my phone (read: camera) ran out of juice.  here is a paltry attempt to capture the magic that is Stinky Cove in Blue Hill, Maine....

not sure this really does it justice, especially because it is low tide, so here is another view at sunset with a higher tide...

slightly different angle but the point is that this is such a relaxing paradise that maybe this is the best place for me to heal through this most recent disappointment.  and that gets me started on my silver linings...

so after i saw the two (-) on the sticks i then walked back inside and went straight back to bed.  there were some tears and lots of disappointment but i immediately started trying to console myself with the identification of the silver lining positives around this situation....

silver linings:

- this marks a new beginning at the close of year one... fresh slate

- i now know what i want for my birthday

- it is a rainy day so i won't feel guilty being a bump on a log and feeling sorry for myself (which i am allowed to do till about 5pm)

- i am in paradise which is a perfect place to recharge myself for what is to come

- my august work schedule is also clear making it easy for my next round of IUI

- reinforcement that i have the greatest friends and family around which was illustrated through words, texts, and emails of encouragement and well wishing yesterday and today.  now all messages of course are incredibly meaningful but one girlfriend in particular sent me an email very early this am with the subject line "too serious" and the following text with photo...

For when you need to remind yourself to breathe and relax with a smile, just take a look at this photo and it will do the trick...  :)  I love you.

to say it worked is an understatement.  impeccable timing!  thank you katrina!  xoxo!

- i can now drink for the remaining days of my time with family

- i still have two more cycles of the IUI (and the name of a great doctor if i need to transition to IVF after this)

- i can do real workouts for the next two weeks or so (which i actually missed)

- i don't have to sell my apartment and car because they wouldn't fit triplets

- no more progesterone for at least 2 weeks!

- tim and jennifer can give me my shot again (i know he enjoyed it)

- (add others that i am missing in the comments section...this is just my first pass and i am confident there are many many more)

much much love and gratitude to all of you!!

(so nervous)

so it is tuesday night and i pee on the stick on thursday morning.  so close but so far.

this week i am in maine with my mom and brother for some family time and it feels like the perfect place to learn that i am pregnant:  i can share this monumental moment with family, we are in the beautiful place where my mother was born, it is my 3rd time and i have 3 follicles, i was able to make my july schedule what it needed to be for this process, and i really really really want it to be.

i have already picked my spot where i plan to take my cup o' pee and pregnancy sticks so i can determine my future.  (it is a total stunner so get excited for thursday pics and news for sures)

all of the above is perfectly laid out.  but it almost seems to good to be true.  and this is where my nervousness really comes in.  i oddly don't seem to have any nerves about being pregnant but rather about if i am not.

i know i need to maintain my positive vibes (and i swear i am trying to chill myself out) but it is feeling really really really hard.  the progesterone has made me pretty tired again this round (more than last round), i have been feeling much more emotional than i have in the past, and i have been having weird cramps (drugs? gas?).  somehow the feeling of disappointment from the the first round (which was horribly intense) keeps lingering in my head making me afraid to feel hope and excitement knowing how far the fall is if i am not.  i know that i am a young babe in this whole process versus what many people go through but man is this hard regardless of how long you have been in it.  and i just realized that even though this is only my 3rd cycle of IUI, this month marks my 1 year anniversary of being in this process.  wow.  yet another reason why i hope this is (and should be) my time!

i am trying to tell myself that even though this appears to be a possible perfectly scripted kate's law occasion, i would really love to have this be the moment to break the trend forever more.

ok, time for bed.  hoping for sweet thoughts and dreams of some healthy baby development in my lady parts!

ohh and so appreciate all of the emails and texts of encouragement.  really appreciate it.  really really really.

today's soundtrack: mumford & sons

so today was my first insemination for this third cycle.  tomorrow is number two.

i am feeling a little crazed/highly emotional right now.  the nurse explained that with three follicles and the ovidrel working this makes complete sense since my body is surging with estrogen and doing a lot of work so i will feel less kate-like for the next 72 hours.  a true window into the future i am working so hard to achieve.  no complaints but if i start crying for little to no reason do not look surprised.  now i can look at the lack of side effects of the clomid as the gift it was.

last night i had crazy dreams about losing my id and credit cards which was problematic because i need both for a successful insemination.  thinking carl castle might have been involved in one of the dreams as well but hard to say at this point.  needless to say it was a bizarre night of sleep.

so this am i had my insemination.  this time i decided to go for mumford & sons since i am currently obsessed with them.  figured i should play music i authentically like.  i actually tried to play a little NPR "wait wait don't tell me" but with the words and some talking with my nurse it was hard to focus and you can't miss out on a word.  tomorrow i might go for some "this american life." ira glass has a voice that just relaxes me to the core regardless of what he says.... something to consider.

my cervix was a bit temperamental today so the insemination took a bit longer but all is good.  some key learnings from the nurse today....

- i should drink a vitamin water each day after the insemination

- i could have triplets
- no exercise for 48 hours after last insemination

- I COULD HAVE TRIPLETS

- i should eat foods with high salt like french fries and pizza to suck the moisture from my uterus

realistically i do not think i will actually have triplets but hearing it might be an option was pretty stinking entertaining to me.  (and no, this is not a good time to cite kate's law)  i just trust i will be given what i can handle - and if that is three, then clearly the universe has a lot of faith and confidence in me and i will step up to the blessing ahead!  but one is a pretty awesome blessing too.  just saying.

off to eat some delicious salty foods.... think i might start with the tavern cut fries with a garlic aioli sauce.  note, this is not because i want to but because the doctor says it is best.  (this is a moment i am loving doctor's orders!  should enjoy it while i can right?)

yep, i'm a total wimp

so even more officially, i have the greatest friends in the world!

last night after some bubbly, a delicious dinner with some tasty red wine, and before the chocolate truffles they cornered me on their couch.  i thought it was just for a change in scenery but then i saw the blue ziploc bag that contained my ovidrel shot sitting by the couch.  i knew it was on the evening agenda but i was so not ready.

(reminder: ovidrel shot is to encourage ovulation within 12 to 40 hours of injection)

they, tim and jennifer, are nice people for sure but they seemed a little too excited to give me the shot which made me very suspicious.  my neighbor suggested that i use ice on the injection site and tim had it all wrapped up for me in a napkin.  he was way crazy prepared.

this of course signaled that it was time to watch the utube video on how to properly give the injection.  further evidence that i am truly taking this literally one step at a time.  outside of jennifer's gasp when the entire needle was injected into the model during the video, it went pretty well.  i nervously walked/hopped around the room sipping my wine with increased purpose.

finally, we were ready.  let me rephrase, tim and jennifer were ready.  i found myself scrambling trying to figure out what i was going to do during this process.  do i keep the wine in hard?  i will grab jennifer's hand - no wait, her arm, i might accidentally hurt her hand.  so back to the other hand - wine?  hold the couch?  too many decisions.  ultimately i opted for the couch out of fear that i might spill the wine and that just seemed potentially wasteful.

so i braced myself for the worst and then it was done and i didn't even feel a pinch.  tim and jennifer are for sure hired!  here i am with tim post injection.  outside of not having jennifer in the pic as well, i think it pretty much captures our experience (note "imposing" syringe in tim's hand, his HUGE smile of success, wine bottle, ice in napkin, kate not passed out on the floor).

my heart is bursting with love and appreciation.  feeling so blessed.

"3rd time + 3 beautiful follicles = the charm!" kate positively thinks

exhale!

so i survived the clomid and was maybe a pinch more emotional than usual but overall uneventful.

today i had my second ultrasound and i have three beautiful follicles and a multi-layered uterus so we are ready to rumble!  my blood test results were all good and my follicles are measuring 21, 19.5, and 17.5!  all of this adds up to a no brainer that tonight is the ovidrel shot and tomorrow i go in for my first IUI (8:30am) followed by the second on saturday (8am).

above you can see two of the three follicles.  the one on the right is the 21 mm sized one and i am not so sure about size of the other but thinking the 17.5.  again, one of these could be the start of my future child.  wow.  mind blowing.

tonight i am heading to a friend's for dinner and little do they know that i will be looking to them to help me with my ovidrel shot.  "hi!  thanks for having me!  here is some bubbly to celebrate my follicles, wine to celebrate this amazing dinner you have prepared, ohh and can you come help me with a little something...."

never a dull moment.

so on the eve of the lucky #3 IUI with 3 lucky follicles rocking out in my uterus and i am feeling really good and calm.  really happy in everything actually.  thinking the increased acupuncture and massages combined with working out and having a month to focus more on being in chicago with my friends has been a really good thing for me.

please keep the positive vibes coming for both my follicles and the little swimmers!  hoping those swimmers are fast and strong and that all of the many steps occur and that we get pregnant this month!  woot to the woot!

the pot has boiled!

so i feel like i have been waiting for this period like no other.  if i was still operating like clockwork last saturday would have been my day.  i just felt like i was staring at the pot waiting for the water to boil.  and it came on monday which works just fine too.

this morning i went in and had my baseline ultrasound and blood work with results to follow later today.  i already have all of the drugs that i will need on hand so ready to start with the chlomid once i get the green light from the nurse.

i have been taking this month pretty easy and have been getting more massages, seeing my acupuncturist, started drinking kefir (supposedly it makes you happy...i am so in!), joined a gym AND got a trainer.  not so sure about the latter yet as we are in the get to know you stages but not so sure the Marine mentality will really pair well with me.  time will tell.

net is that i am feeling good and ready for this to be my month!  as always i am accepting any and all positive vibes!!  xoxo!

anticipation of what is to come...short term

So I am excited to report that I am still on track for a no travel July.  Woot to the woot!  Seems I will have some work to keep me warm over the month but nothing too crazy which leaves me time to kinda chill out and embrace my next stage.  Probably not going to be able to explore all of the things on my idealistic dream world list but it is nice to have that to fall back on.

This week I need to call for my prescriptions and I have already reached out to the nurse so we can talk through what I should expect to experience and all the implications of the drugs.  (Note: I am insisting for a 1-on-1 conversation to avoid past communication issues)  She sent me a little one-pager outlining some of the excitement and WOW did it make me happy that I am taking this time a little slower than usual.  Here is my favorite excerpt:

“Normal side effects:  mild ovarian enlargement, nausea and vomiting, mild pelvic discomfort, mild bloating, mild breast discomfort, hot flashes, mild headache, mood swings, and insomnia.”

I am guessing this is just a window in to what is to come.  

Village, consider yourselves warned.  It might not be a pretty week.

A little daunting?  Maybe a bit more than a little but I am so excited to be getting started again!

all refreshed and ready to rumble!

so i recently home from my trip to turkey with my dad and we had such an amazing time!  everything about the trip was perfect.  i would not have changed a thing.

ultimately, i think that this time off from the process was incredibly therapeutic for me.  i can now more fully see that while i only went through two cycles to date, there were many months of tests, preparation, and anticipation/excitement/nerves that led up to those two cycles which explain my general exhaustion.  now i am taking off three cycles, 2 down and 1 to go, and while it is a bit longer than i had originally planned, i am totally okay with it all.

july is going to be the magic month!

my calendar for july is on complete lock down.  i have a project the first week and only plan to accept other projects if they are in chicago.  net: no travel for me.

this july cycle is going to be quite an experience for me since i am going to be using the drugs (clomid and ovaldril) and i have no idea how my body will react.  basically, i know it is going to be hard because i think this will be completely different from my last two cycles (e.g., timing, how my body will feel).  but i am rested and ready to rumble!

one of my challenges coming back from vacation is that i am waking up very early in the morning and going to bed at a reasonable hour and i do not have anything pressing to do.  i was so organized before i left that i am pretty much ahead of the game.  this is shocking.  maybe the first time ever.  the weird part is that i have no idea what to do with myself.  yes, i could clean the closet but that doesn't seem very fun or urgent.

why am i sharing this?

i have some concerns around what i will do with myself being home and potentially not really working for the month of july.  an idle kate is not a happy kate.  so with that said, i have some ideas around how i can occupy myself and i am feeling pretty good about them....

- i can run more (signed up for a 5k in july so started my training when i got home...three 2 mile runs in.  yay!)

- i can use my month pass to a yoga studio (been looking forward to this one)

- i am going to volunteer at a couple of places around town (i haven't had the time in a while)

- possibly start another blog that i have wanted to write for years (topics to include: packaging, travel, and fishing)

- have some friends visit me in chicago (hint! hint!)

still have plenty of time till it is here but i am hoping i can accomplish all of those points at least once.  trying to start small (not always my strength).


on another note, my dad and i met lots of great people on our trip.  he tried to sell me for camels (yes, i know not necessarily geographically appropriate BUT that makes them more precious right?!).  his starting offer was for one old camel but i am pleased to report that it went up to 5 young camels and 1 baby camel.  the winning bidder has not yet produced the camels but i think my father is still eagerly awaiting their arrival.

my reason for mentioning this is that i find myself struggling a little bit with the idea of proactively seeking out my mr. right or even thinking about mr. right while i am in this process.  i know there are lots of single mom's out there who are on the dating scene but i found that it is a pretty weird conversation to tell someone my plans while i am still at this stage.  this is a big deal and something that i know not everyone is prepared for or open to.  that is ok of course but it doesn't make it any easier when you hear someone say "i only want to have my own children, not someone else's." this is one of the many challenges i will face in the future but i just have to have faith that my mr. right is out there and just stuck in traffic somewhere...  :)