next steps....

ahh!  have i mentioned how much better i feel now that cycle is over?  thinking in a few more days i will be able to celebrate the fact that i can get pregnant much more but right now i am just celebrating the fact that i feel so much more relaxed.

in terms of next steps....

nurse called yesterday with hcg results and i am down to 5.  great news!

i spoke with the doctor today about the particulars around what happened last cycle and learned that what happened last cycle was pretty common but he was encouraged that my body is doing what it needs to have success.  the one weird thing from the call was him referring to the short pregnancy i had as a miscarriage.  i guess technically that is what happened but it doesn't really feel like it because i hadn't had time to emotionally or physically connect with the baby.  he reinforced how common they are and that often the body rejects the embryo because it is not healthy.  amazing how the body works!  

ultimately, it appears i am going to be taking a few months off picking back up for my december (maybe november) cycle. feels a little weird to be taking another break after only having one cycle, but this is process is really all about balance right?  and really this was two cycles with only one active baby making cycle.  AND the doctor said it was not a bad thing for my body and actually good so that it can get back to normal.  thanks doc!  love when i get permission for the things i want to do....

while my last break in baby making was driven by my amazing trip with my dad, this next break is due to a once in a lifetime wedding in india this november (and a crazy busy month of work for september).   yes, that does not mean i can't in october but i am thinking that i would rather take that variable out of the india trip to limit my stress and increase my overall enjoyment.

so umm my strategizing never seems to end...  while it is abundantly clear that i have no control in this situation, this does not mean that i cannot come up with ways to make things work more towards my favor (potentially).  to date this has included my massages, acupuncture, and new gym regimen...and smoothies!  can't forget those smoothies!  but in order to hopefully build in a november cycle i am going back on birth control.

i know it probably sounds ridiculous that i will go on birth control when trying to have a baby but this means that i can plan when my period will hit with relation to my return from india.  basically, it gives me more control of when i will get my period.  so i just have to time things so that my period hits right as i am returning from india in time for my baseline.

but kate, what are the implications of this on when you get your period again and is this really ok?  why yes it is!  i have had 1 nurse and 2 doctors tell me this is totally fine and will not impact my cycle at all.  in terms of how long it will take for me to get my period once i allow my body to do it, that is the only wild card but based on past experiences with this same birth control, it will be a few days.

and if this backfires, which it will may, then i will just start in december as i had originally planned.  no risk, no reward.

saturday i am heading to a spa for a long weekend with a girlfriend for a nice restorative treat.  really excited to test out yoga and really give meditation a try...they have oodles of these classes.  these are things i have always wanted to try but have never really clicked for me.  now i can give them a proper effort and make my final determination on the two.  i am not so good at sitting still unless i am working to clean out my dvr so we will see.  the countdown till departure continues...

little victory of the day: hcg is dropping!

wow.  as i type that subject the irony of the placement of joy is not lost on me.  hoping forevermore that i am whoo hooing about the doubling and tripling of my hcg.

but for now this is a blessing.  it has dropped to 19.7 (from 25).  i have one last blood test next tuesday to confirm all is good to go but the nurse said the doctor is optimistic.

i feel like i just lost 2000 pounds of stress and anxiety.  now i am able to look forward and not feel chained to this cycle.  this morning i wasn't thinking that i was going to get good news because everything that could go wrong did.  but erin was right and i was just getting all the crap out of the way this am.  exhale!

anticipating my silver linings for this mornings #*#& to be...

- now i know that 3 blood draws from the same vein in a week can dry it out (first 2 dried it out)
- i am aware that i have good veins in both arms
- there is a brand new payment machine that looks almost EXACTLY like the old one at the parking garage at the clinic and you have to swipe your credit card differently or else it will make tons of noises and not give you your card back
- people are not far to help you so always try the assistance button and don't give up even though you can't really understand them and they can't understand you

i am already laughing at myself for how frustrated and angry i was this morning at all of this but i guess i have had a pretty stressful week so i will let it slide.

feeling like the tide has definitely turned!  good news on my results, client ok'd an insane travel schedule as is that could have been made even longer and more complicated, and i made some progress processing my "don't want to deal with this now" shelf.  happy friday indeed!

holy unharnessed energy

so i am up and at my computer.  teeth brushed and flossed.  dressed for the gym - because that will happen today.  just printed my notes from my casting lesson this week so i can have them for reference for when i head to the casting pond after i eat breakfast.  after that i will do some work.

i feel like i am sort of stagnating with work having been on the back burner, not having the type of success i was hoping for on the baby (my main focus), romantic relationships being a danger zone, and i am finding myself filled with so much energy which feels kinda overwhelming.  i need to do something that gives me a sense of accomplishment right now.  just need to figure out what it is.

realized this week that fishing really is my version of meditation, or at least casting, so i am going to work to build that in as many times in a week as i can.  hoping this combined with my massages, acupuncture, and exercise will allow me to enjoy a bit more calm.

outside of that i am still not sure what the plan will be.  it will come.  it always does.

i hope this doesn't come off as if i am lost in depression because i don't feel that way.  disappointed?  yes.  frustrated?  yes.  aware that what i am going through it more of the rule rather than the exception? yes.

the latter has been my 'ah ha' moment of this cycle.  i cannot thank my friends enough for sharing their stories and struggles with me.  not sure you can fully understand how much it means to me.  as i said above, it has helped me see that this process is not as easy as i thought and that it is the nature of the process and not me.  this takes a lot of pressure off of me and gives me hope that i can lighten my spirit as i progress.  i need to readjust my attitude and right now i am working through what that will look like so i can wholeheartedly own it.  150% kate embrace it.

i have been spending some time trying to understand why i expected it to be easier including...

- i am putting in the work and work nets positive results (right?)
- my unlucky and at times ridiculous dating history (can we say bedazzled teeth guy?)
- according to my mother, and our "sex" talk,  i am fertile

the fertile comment led to a fear that if i was even in the same room with a sperm i was just about guaranteed to be pregnant.  think this mindset coming to terms with what is the reality of the situation and process is what i am still working to reconcile - but i have made incredible progress as of late.  clearly i know that hard work means nothing in this process and that i guess the universe isn't going to throw me a bone regardless of my dating exploits.  dang it.  but i guess the entertainment value of the stories is enough.

but here is what i am realizing as i type this, i have time.  maybe the universe isn't throwing me a meaty bone like i initially envisioned during my first cycle, but it is going to happen.  whether i have the baby myself or i adopt, i am going to be a mom.  maybe not on my schedule but it will happen and i know that.  i just have to keep my eye on the prize.  patience isn't my strong point but this is a lesson and one i can imagine that my league of guardian angels above are trying to help me with.  i just have to trust they will push me only as hard as they think i can manage and trust that they know what they are doing.  grandpa and victoria - i am depending on you and the gang to help me get to where i need to be.  i trust you all but a memo containing your objectives for my development and a timeline would be super appreciated!  and do you work with me but please be gentle.

wow.  so this was supposed to be a quick entry but clearly i needed to sound out a bit more than i thought.  off to make some breakfast and get this day started!  xoxo!

posters for purgatory

results are in.

regardless of how you look at it, this will not be a viable pregnancy.  sad pants.  but not surprising news.  pretty much what i expected.

the particulars...

- hcg level 25 (up from 22) - - should be around 50-75

- progesterone 1.5 (up from 1.3) - - should be 10

the nurse stated that basically i am looking at either a bio-chemical pregnancy (which is what they suspected and is fairly common) or the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy.  boo.

(silver lining: i know i can get pregnant)

implication of this news is that i am feeling like i am living in purgatory.  thinking i might decorate my space with some posters to make it feel a little homier.  anyone have a lorenzo lamas poster around by chance?

why purgatory you might ask?  well, i have to go in for another pregnancy test on friday with hopes that the numbers are decreasing because that means the risk of the ectopic pregnancy decrease exponentially.  if this is not a case, then i have to come in again and again until it decreases which makes me feel like this will not end.  honestly, i am just frustrated that even though i am not pregnant i still have to keep watch over it and i cannot just move on and get back to life and the next cycle.  seems sort of like a mean twisted game.

(silver lining: i am in town this month so i can make the appointments as needed)

while i am home this month, i basically took 2 months off work for this and this is not something i can keep up forever both on the baby front and with regard to my own sanity.  i am feeling like this month got wasted and now i have to get back to my schedule and figure out my next steps....again.

yes, you can make the priorities argument (as in, "if this is your priority then you will make it work").  if i worked a 9 to 5 this whole thing would be exponentially easier.  but i don't.  so it isn't.  i will figure it out.  i always do.  just frustrated and being a brat.  which i am ok with in this moment.

yet again, this process is shaking me off any ground that feels even slightly stable.  but that is parenting right?

(silver lining: this whole adventure is training for being a mom)

(silver lining: i can work my tuckus off in september now to make up for july and august - and make it to an old friend's wedding)

you best be sitting for this one

monday i went in for my baseline which is bloodwork and my ultrasound to make sure i have lots of little follicles ready to grow and get big and strong.  of note, i had about 8 on each side which was muy bueno.  this visit is typically followed by a call from the nurse telling me the results and i expected her to tell me which day to start my chlomid.

i missed the call by a nano second but got the following message (and again, you best be sitting for this one):

"just calling to give you your results from today and umm and we cannot start treatment this cycle because your hcg level, which is the pregnancy hormone, is not negative it is positive but it is a low positive. [i'm sorry? what? you said i have a positive pregnancy hormone? i definitely have my period right now, it is not spotting] ummm so when that happens we don't know quite what is going on. [sorry, still not really following...] it could be implantation is starting but it is a little later than we would have thought.  umm the first check we like that level to be at 25 and your level is at 22. [22 is really close to 25 - - i am no quant person but that is only 12% off normal numbers...that feels pretty close] so, it is a little lower than a first check would be here. [huh?]

there are some other possibilities which could be bio chemical where the pregnancy starts but does not complete so we are actually going to ask the lab to run progesterone tomorrow. [so wait, i was pregnant?  huh?] we will call with those results.  [progesterone level just came in moments ago and are a super low at 1.3 where normal is 10.  this might mean that it was bio chemical pregnancy which she said is pretty common.]

ultimately, they had me come in today for blood work...but really was a pregnancy test.  huh?  here they will be looking at my hcg level to see if it is rising - for a normal pregnancy they expect it to double every 2-3 days.  if they are lower that suggests that it was a bio chemical pregnancy which again means that it started but did not complete for whatever reason.

i can't help but laugh at this!  kate's law strikes again! can it never be a simple yes or no?

the nurse has been amazing and totally diplomatic in sharing all of the news and answering all of my questions.  in fact, i didn't even call her till about 1pm yesterday because i was waiting for her to call with the progesterone levels - which happened much later in the day.  she told me how she was surprised that it took me so long to call.  in retrospect, i think i am a little surprised as well!

i am approaching this from the perspective that i am not pregnant but totally encouraged by the fact that i can get pregnant.  but i will know more - and hopefully a more conclusive yes or no - when my blood results come back later today.

more to follow...

first year was just warm up...

...now cue the 'eye of the tiger' because this is a fresh start!  all i want for my birthday is for august to be my successful healthy baby cycle.

so last night i dreamt i peed on my two sticks and one said i was prego and the other was defunct with no reading at all.  this lead to my first feeling of optimism in the past few days.  sadly, it was rather short lived.  i woke up around 5am and couldn't quite bring myself to get out of bed out of fear.  by 5:30 i had my jeans and flops on as well as my babymoon shirt with a rainbow, unicorn, and teddy bear with my pee mug in hand.

proud to say this time i did not spill urine all over and was able to maintain it in the mug down the stairs, across the lawn, and through the low tide terrain.  i must confess those rocks are much slipperier than i expected and the urine had one close call but we both persevered.

so i picked my rock, negotiated space with some snails, and set up shop.  it was such a beautiful and serene morning.  i was able to get a few pictures before my phone (read: camera) ran out of juice.  here is a paltry attempt to capture the magic that is Stinky Cove in Blue Hill, Maine....

not sure this really does it justice, especially because it is low tide, so here is another view at sunset with a higher tide...

slightly different angle but the point is that this is such a relaxing paradise that maybe this is the best place for me to heal through this most recent disappointment.  and that gets me started on my silver linings...

so after i saw the two (-) on the sticks i then walked back inside and went straight back to bed.  there were some tears and lots of disappointment but i immediately started trying to console myself with the identification of the silver lining positives around this situation....

silver linings:

- this marks a new beginning at the close of year one... fresh slate

- i now know what i want for my birthday

- it is a rainy day so i won't feel guilty being a bump on a log and feeling sorry for myself (which i am allowed to do till about 5pm)

- i am in paradise which is a perfect place to recharge myself for what is to come

- my august work schedule is also clear making it easy for my next round of IUI

- reinforcement that i have the greatest friends and family around which was illustrated through words, texts, and emails of encouragement and well wishing yesterday and today.  now all messages of course are incredibly meaningful but one girlfriend in particular sent me an email very early this am with the subject line "too serious" and the following text with photo...

For when you need to remind yourself to breathe and relax with a smile, just take a look at this photo and it will do the trick...  :)  I love you.

to say it worked is an understatement.  impeccable timing!  thank you katrina!  xoxo!

- i can now drink for the remaining days of my time with family

- i still have two more cycles of the IUI (and the name of a great doctor if i need to transition to IVF after this)

- i can do real workouts for the next two weeks or so (which i actually missed)

- i don't have to sell my apartment and car because they wouldn't fit triplets

- no more progesterone for at least 2 weeks!

- tim and jennifer can give me my shot again (i know he enjoyed it)

- (add others that i am missing in the comments section...this is just my first pass and i am confident there are many many more)

much much love and gratitude to all of you!!

(so nervous)

so it is tuesday night and i pee on the stick on thursday morning.  so close but so far.

this week i am in maine with my mom and brother for some family time and it feels like the perfect place to learn that i am pregnant:  i can share this monumental moment with family, we are in the beautiful place where my mother was born, it is my 3rd time and i have 3 follicles, i was able to make my july schedule what it needed to be for this process, and i really really really want it to be.

i have already picked my spot where i plan to take my cup o' pee and pregnancy sticks so i can determine my future.  (it is a total stunner so get excited for thursday pics and news for sures)

all of the above is perfectly laid out.  but it almost seems to good to be true.  and this is where my nervousness really comes in.  i oddly don't seem to have any nerves about being pregnant but rather about if i am not.

i know i need to maintain my positive vibes (and i swear i am trying to chill myself out) but it is feeling really really really hard.  the progesterone has made me pretty tired again this round (more than last round), i have been feeling much more emotional than i have in the past, and i have been having weird cramps (drugs? gas?).  somehow the feeling of disappointment from the the first round (which was horribly intense) keeps lingering in my head making me afraid to feel hope and excitement knowing how far the fall is if i am not.  i know that i am a young babe in this whole process versus what many people go through but man is this hard regardless of how long you have been in it.  and i just realized that even though this is only my 3rd cycle of IUI, this month marks my 1 year anniversary of being in this process.  wow.  yet another reason why i hope this is (and should be) my time!

i am trying to tell myself that even though this appears to be a possible perfectly scripted kate's law occasion, i would really love to have this be the moment to break the trend forever more.

ok, time for bed.  hoping for sweet thoughts and dreams of some healthy baby development in my lady parts!

ohh and so appreciate all of the emails and texts of encouragement.  really appreciate it.  really really really.