possible game changer

not a good day.

during my call with my nurse on monday i casually mentioned my 25% chance of getting pregnant that my ob had mentioned.  the nurse quickly stated how high she thought that number was so i asked for her to give me MY percentages based on MY many many tests.  she said she would talk to the doctor and get back to me.

today she got back to me.

Percentages of achieving pregnancy:
5-6%  Without stimulation medications/naturally
10% with Clomid
18% with injectables
50% with IF

wow.

really big punch to my gut that took the wind out of me.  what a way to bring back my happy right?  clearly this is not my week.

while certainly the numbers are miserable i am finding myself really upset because of the following...

- i have only heard how great all my tests have been... never anything to raise concern

- i had to ASK them for this information.  shouldn't they have shared this with me?  and talked to me about my options?  really feeling like a number and it does not feel good....

- why am i doing the IUI at all?  i am not so great with numbers but even i can see that the odds are no where near my favor....

i sent an email conveying my frustration and concern over this and am waiting to hear what they have to say.

right now i am thinking i will try with the clomid this cycle and then regroup for IVF.  the thought of jumping to the IVF so early in the process was never something i really considered but i can't imagine why i wouldn't do it now looking at those numbers.

ohh and the possibility of adoption has entered my thought process as well.  that is something that i saw as being much further out but maybe it is closer than i thought.  just when i thought i had a handle on the IUI process....

so now i wait for a response and practice my breathing.  i am sure by tonight i will have a better sense of the silver lining with this new development but for now i am going to allow myself to feel all of this frustration.

....inhale.....exhale....inhale..... exhale.....

play it again sam!

tomorrow i begin again.  thinking the second time through will in many ways be easier because i know what to expect - which is very appealing to a virgo type A personality.  as well, i am hoping that knowing the process better will make it all feel much more routine and therefore minimize my amount of obsessiveness over the details.

today i realized that the weight of this whole process has stripped out some of my everyday happy.  no i am not cowering in the corner crying and hiding from people, but the emotional weight of this process has me feeling very intense.  had a massage over the weekend which i think helped me realize how tight and stressed my body is...which cannot be bueno as i move forward.

so starting today i have decided that i am going to put more emphasis on getting back to my more familiar happy kate place.  not exactly sure how it will look but i am hoping to start tonight with a mani/pedi.... followed by a visit to my acupuncturist, and maybe another massage...and reintroducing some fishing into my life....  (recognizing exercise as well but trying to find a fun way to build it in so that i am not rolling my eyes or cursing.)

for now sending all my positive thoughts to my growing follicles!  c'mon follicles!!  

if at first you don't succeed, try try again!

here is my recount of the past 16 or so hours.....

prepped everything last night before bed practically sleeping with the pregnancy test instructions to make sure i was ready for my early am pee time.

-  three tests because you have to have an odd number right?  best out of...?
-  red solo cup (...i fill you up, let's have a party!)

i woke up a few times during the night needing to go to the bathroom but held off till about 5:30am.  and then it was game on...

yes, the virgo in me totally kicked in and i used my phone to time the 2 minutes.  as you can see below, two tests said negative.  sad pants.

i was able to go to bed for a few hours and was up and out of the house in time for my blood test at 8:30am.  this was followed by even more waiting.  was told to expect my results between 3 and 7pm.  but am thankful they called me about 10 minutes ago (bit past noon) confirming that i am not yet pregnant.  not the best news but what i was expecting.

as i was leaving the doctor's office this morning there was another woman at the pay station who had also been there for just blood work and i just started talking to her....  ends up she is newly pregnant and they were just checking her hormone levels and she said that home tests often give false negatives.  whether that last part is true or not, it was exactly what i needed to hear.  and i hugged her.

i am feeling a little betrayed by my body right now.  i know that to get pregnant the first time is not the norm but they delay in my period really gave me a false sense of security and excitement.  yesterday i even went on pinterest searching for ideas for the nursery and announcement - - which is the first time i have spent more than 5 minutes invested in that part of all of this.

during my few hours of sleep post the negative home tests this am, i found myself trying to problem solve and i think i figured it out.  the progesterone delayed my period. and i just got confirmation from the nurse this is the case.

emotionally i am a bit of a mess.  not necessarily because it looks like i might not be pregnant.  sure i would be lying if i said i wasn't disappointed but the hardest part is with the changing of my cycle timing.  she isn't sure when i will get my period next and then i have to start the process again.

i have worked so hard to set my calendar based on my schedule, which has been so on point that i knew the hour range when i was going to get my period (between 4-7pm), and now it is all shot to hell.  i know that everything will work out as it should and this is all a part of my mom-to-be training but it is just frustrating when i try to plan and do it right and then it all falls apart.  if you had asked me two hours ago i was feeling close to broken on this topic but now i feel like it will all work out.  

i really just need to let go.  let go of trying to control the process.  i just need to trust.  so much easier said than done but this is my challenge.

yes, i expect that in all of this trusting that i am still going to cry a bunch because this process is really really hard.

i have so many friends who have been through this process and had a variety of outcomes.  even though i have only seen a slight glimpse into what this process is, i find myself so incredibly humbled by their fortitude and dedication...and hopeful that i can follow in their footsteps with the same strength and grace.

and many many thanks for all of the love and support i have been receiving in texts, emails, and calls.  they really do mean the world to me - and help me remember that i am not alone in this.  xoxo!  

and now i will make a toast with a delicious glass of bubbly to my next cycle!  may you be very very fertile!

the "rules" of full disclosure

so i have decided to be totally open with this blog in terms of my results that i get THIS friday and moving forward. (holy moly that is super soon....)

HOWEVER, if/when i do find myself prego, i ask that we be happy but not celebrate proper style until i complete my first trimester.  sharing joy is awesome but i would so not be out of the woods yet and i don't want us to put the cart before the horse.  

so how does a on the sly high five sound if i find i am "+"?  
(translation: "+" = positively pregnant)

now that we have the "rules" out of the way, let's talk about this two week wait..... oy vey!

so my friend erin said that this two week wait was going to be tough.  she was not kidding around!!!  not that i thought she was lying but i have been so focused on each step as it happens and looking ahead hasn't really been an option for me.

do i think i am pregnant?  your guess is as good as mine.  and my opinion changes on the topic from minute to minute.  also, i know i can talk myself in and out of a bag in the same sentence so i can't trust myself at all and my opinion on any of this.

although i have gotten better over the last week and a half with the waiting, i have conceded to the fact that i really just have to wait till friday.

i am taking 8% progesterone everyday which i am blaming for....

- my mood swings: cried 4 times during my allergy appointment last week, cried before prince of tides even started [but that was just a stupid pick for an emotional person in general]

- cramping: might just be constipation or gas... this is also helped by the pre-natal vitamins

- exhaustion:  have mercy!  i cannot get enough sleep.  finally starting to get back to normal-ish though. think this is also attributed to that sinus procedure that felt like 4 steps below water boarding, a couple of massive work travel weeks, and all of the emotional gravy from this whole process to fill in any holes on top of all the other stressful goodness.

i am supposed to get my period tomorrow/wednesday night so that might be a slight hint but i will hold onto that one since who knows how upside down my system might be with this whole process.


being the optimist that i am, i talk to my belly every night.... planning fun trips we are going to take together, explaining my big plans for the holidays from other cultures we are going to celebrate, and in general just getting to know one another.  pure joy.

more to follow and regardless as to whether our on the sly high fives start this friday or a month or six months from this friday, or when i adopt a beautiful baby, i am super excited at the prospect of starting this next chapter!

let's get it on....

ok, so I am a bit behind here as I write this posting from the waiting area for my SECOND insemination.  yay!  let me catch you up.....

Friday I went in for my final ultrasound and bloodwork of this cycle to learn that my 13mm follicle had grown to 21mm and that I was ovulating naturally so no need for the shot to help me along!  I then scheduled my two IUI appointments for Saturday and Sunday mornings at 8:30am.

I know you want to see my follicle right?  Super cute right?  Amazing this could actually be my future child.

(And as a quick refresher on what a follicle is... I believe it to be the sack that holds the egg until ovulation.  This was news to me...)

As well, on Friday I had this sinus procedure that was not as in and out as the doctor said it was.  I think I have experienced worse but can't seem to recall what could have been worse. Ultimately, I was just really shaken and once the bleeding stopped many hours later I settled down a bit - in time to help celebrate a friend's awesome 40th....that served as a perfect send off for me as well!

Saturday morning I made my way in for my insemination and was prepping my playlist in the waiting area.  And I had plenty of time to do it as well since I had to wait an hour for them to thaw the "guy next door plus" for the insemination.

The actual insemination was really straightforward. I listened to Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah" to keep myself calm, Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get it On" during the actual insemination, and Bread's "Make it with You" after.  Added in a little Carla Bruni as well during my post wait time which in total was about 8 minutes.

They told me I might have some cramping, like when I had my saline ultrasound (even though I had none), but yes I had cramping throughout the day.  Would like to consider that a good sign but a friend who went through this had the same her first time (of three)....but I am still, as always, optimistic!

(writing interrupted for insemination número dos)

Easier than the first!  Although funny she told me to wait 15-20 minutes before I got dressed (vs. 5 to 8) and elevated the bed (which the other nurse told me was a wives tale).  In the grand scheme of things I feel like I have covered all my bases.

It only takes one!

This time musically I led with Buckley's "Hallelujah" and then directly into "Eye of the Tiger"...on repeat resting on my belly post insemination.  Then a little "Chariots of Fire" to close it all down.

So what is next?

The doctor has me using 8% progesterone for the next two weeks to create a nice spongy uterine lining primed for my future baby to nestle into.  Then on the second Friday from today I will go in to find out whether I am with child or not.  Insane.  And pregnancy tests are frowned upon before the Friday.  Of course I asked.  Needed her to tell me no.

I have been finding myself having some bizarre thoughts....

Like in getting dressed yesterday and today I was careful to wear only gender neutral clothes - no pink or blue.  I want to be as unbiased as possible.

Logical right?!

Been really tired but have also been having some pretty jam packed weeks as well leading up to it so I am sure much of my exhaustion is linked to all of that - plus the nerves and excitement around this.

More to come.....

a two part update....

(written yesterday...)

So this is the week.  Exhale.

Last Friday I had more blood work and another ultrasound and we are still very much on track.  So you may recall for my baseline visit I had 21 follicles.  I am now down to 4 that are growing at the right rate.  This means that they are 9mm or larger – on my right I have a 9, 10, and 10.5 and on my left a 10mm.

Ultimately I need them to grow to 18 to 20mm for me to have my IUI.  In speaking with the nurse I got the sense that they will not all continue to grow at this rate but it is kinda exciting hearing about them and thinking one of them could be my future child!

So next steps…. I have my next round of blood work and ultrasound tomorrow to see how my follicles are coming along.  Based on those results we will then be able to determine when I will have IUI.

I wanted to step back at this point and explain a little bit more of what my process is.  Most people are familiar with IVF but not so much with IUI.  Totally fair.  Let me explain the best I can. 

IVF is where they harvest the egg, fertilize it with the sperm, and then implant it in your uterus. 

Although I may need to do this down the road, I am not there yet.  Currently I am working with the doctor/nurses to follow my cycle and to identify when I am most fertile and then they will put the donor sperm inside my uterus.  Most easily understood as the “turkey baster” method or technically as IUI (inter uterine insemination).  This will happen (ideally) on two consecutive days.

So I am not using any fertility drugs at this point.  The only little helper is an injection I will give myself (or coax a friend to give me) that will help me ovulate in a timely manner.  So I believe this happens the night before my first IUI procedure.

I hope this helps clarify a bit more of what I have ahead of me this week.  If it isn’t totally clear to you, then join the club.  Remember this is my trial run where I will get a better sense of how this whole process really works.  And quite the learning curve there is!

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today's update.. 

i went in this morning for my 3rd ultra sound and blood work visit for this cycle.  i have track marks!  didn't even feel the prick of the needle today!  i am turning into a pro... which is insane considering my fear of needles not that long ago.  so yeah, i am boasting about my track marks!

just got off the phone with my nurse and it seems that i am down to one measurable egg of 13mm - which is totally normal (esp when no drugs are involved) - and my estrogen is up to 150's which is almost double last friday.  all very good news.  

i have made my next appointment for this friday where they will have my 4th ultrasound and blood work and determine the actual insemination dates.  she suspects, as we will not know till the doctor seeing my stats for friday, that i will potentially be ready for the shot to encourage ovulation this friday and then insemination on this saturday and sunday.  this may shift up a little but i am not traveling next week so i am free as a bird and feeling much more relaxed about this all.

then comes the waiting part. 

how am i?

overall, well.  for those of you who know me well, you know that i am not so good without a sense of structure and planning and this learning curve of how my body works combined with work has given me an extra gray hair or two.  no isn't really an option for me which led me to send the nurse and email about the possibility of carrying my "vials" to dallas (where i work tomorrow and thursday) so i can have the insemination at a fertility center there.  i am no quitter.  all about the contingency plans.  not only is that not something she thinks is possible but also fortunately not necessary.  huge exhale!

the excitement/enormity/unknown of this combined with work has made me super anxious and turned me into a less than stellar sleeper with a queazy belly but i am optimistic with today's news that i am turning the corner!

finally, i would like to introduce all of you to my uterus.... she is very excited at the prospect of finally getting called up to the majors!  figure i should make the introduction due to her pivotal role in these next few life steps...