4 really is my lucky number...

...ask the astrologer who did my chart and read my palms!  He later added 9 to the mix but that was much later in the reading so I am making the executive decision to stick with the number 4!

So far so good!  My creative usage of birth control worked like a charm and yesterday I had my baseline bloodwork and ultrasound. Because of my results last cycle with the possible chemical pregnancy he also took a LOT more blood to make sure everything is good (e.g., thyroid).  Those results will be back in about two weeks. 

My baseline results were all positive and I started with my Chlomid last night. 

Emotionally I am feeling really strong. Totally recharged after an amazing holiday with some spectacular friends. Unlike past cycles, this time the plan is that I will do this while I am working...and no, this isn't freaking me out (yet) which is really encouraging. I think I will be fine but just know how trying the wait period can be. Working to just take it as it comes!

Other tidbits from the astrologer (because you KNOW it is all true)....

- I will have 2 healthy, strong, smart babies by 2019 

- I am set to be married between May 15, 2014 and December 15, 2015 so mark your calendars!  And word on the chart is that he is a smart one and a keeper forevermore....

- My babies will get married and give me grandbabies!

- My lucky stones are emerald and diamonds. Feel free to send me as many of those as you want for good luck!  Wink wink!

- I will retire at 59

- I will live till 87 with tough years from age 80 to 83

(And yes, this felt much better than the previous psychic visit a few months ago. Two visits in like 3 months - who am I?)

Can't wait to get and post this cycle's follicle pics!  Hope the anticipation of my follicles doesn't keep you up!  Something to look forward to....

"healthier living" update

you might recall this post from mid january earlier this year....

welcome to day three of my healthier lifestyle.

feeling good.

what makes my lifestyle healthier?  glad you asked....

- working to be active for at least 30 minutes a day (e.g., walking, exercise video)
- smoothies with kale and a variety of other healthy fresh ingredients
- writing down exactly what i am eating and when

- and PRE-NATAL vitamins!!

starting the pre-natal vitamins feels like the first real step towards my countdown. i am really doing this. this is going to be an amazing adventure!

i am a super good starter of things related to health but not the best finisher which is why i am starting small and trying to really have it just meld into my world.  while i am not so good as nurturing and taking care of myself, i am optimistic that this little angel will be all the inspiration i need.

in the spirit of full disclosure i must share that last night i finally put in my jillian michael's ab workout video.  in the warm up she had me doing squats, lunges, and burpees (only my most hated exercises outside of the frog jump).  i only made it 6.5 minutes into the video but am very optimistic that tonight i will make it to 7.5.  net: it can only get better!

so i wanted to take this opportunity to update you on how my healthy living is coming along.

one key difference from then and now...  before i was trying to get healthy for the baby and now i really want to get healthy for me.  wow.  this is beyond huge for me and feels amazing.

this july i joined a gym and got a trainer.  it was a struggle but i felt good doing it and saw a glimmer of my potential which was really exciting for me.  with all of my travel the exercise was really hard to accomplish and even though i would work out 5 times a week i kept watching my weight increase.  argh!

this is when i finally bit the bullet and joined weight watchers.  i think this program was built for me.  i am starting week #4 today and lost 3.4 pounds the first week, gained 2 the second, and lost 2.4 last week.  so i am down 3.8 pounds!  i would like to point out that i was also on the road at a conference last week...this really shows that i can rock it no matter where i am when i put my mind to it!

what is most exciting is that all of my working out and everything i had been doing with regard to my eating are coming together well and ww is really helping me balance things out.  did i mention loving it?  (unless i am angry at point or activity calculations....sorry abby!)

other accomplishments of note...

- i have finished the jillian michael's ab video multiple times with my fabulous neighbors
- last week i ran 5 miles in 60 minutes
- today i ran a 5k in 33 minutes - - including a couple of lights!  personal record!
- really careful about imputing everything i eat in ww (every ounce of wine is accounted for...)

so the plan is that i stay on this healthy eating and drinking track, go to this amazing wedding in india, and come home to make a baby!

for this next round i am going to balance work and baby making all together.  think i have it planned out as well as i can and now we just have to see how it all pans out.  fingers and toes crossed!

a whole lotta zen!

ahhh.... so not sure i have the words to properly convey the magic that was my spa adventure at miraval.  it was only 5 days but 5 days of complete and total bliss.

i took so much away from this time including....

- the power of intention (knowing what you truly want and the importance of acknowledging the related fears surrounding getting what you want...so simple but ridiculously intense if you really think about it.

we did this clay class where i made a pinch pot and little pebbles with the things that i am actively working on.  they also had this labyrinth where you are supposed to focus on something, an intention, walk through it, and then leave a rock or something you bring in the middle as a symbol of your intention.

the labyrinth (and you can see my pot in the middle if you squint)

i left my pot as well as three key pebbles - intention, confidence, and kindness.  in my head this translated to my committing to living my life with greater intention, allowing this intention to give me more confidence and surety in everything i do and doing this in a way that is kind to myself since it won't all come together immediately....and that is ok. [in those last four words i had a flash of stuart smalley (which i enjoyed greatly)]

 my pinch pot and pebbles

- the magic of living in the moment and being mindful of oneself (i/we all get busy and sometimes find ourselves just going through the motions when really our quality of life would be so much better if we could feel and enjoy life as it is happening.  yes, john lennon knew what he was talking about.)

- that it is much easier to give than to receive (yes, yes, it is.  and i am a HORRIBLE receiver.  seeing this is half of the battle right?)

- recognizing that i am not as focused as i want to be but that this can be achieved through practicing meditation and better breathing practices (for those days, weeks, or months when you feel so distracted by all of the things in your life and can't finish a single thought - this is the cure!  well, something that will help me be more present anyway...)

where i practiced my meditation, breathing, and yoga

- the power of stretching and how important it is to my overall health (with my new healthier lifestyle my body feels totally bound up and stretching makes me feel so much more at ease.  now only if i can find a way to have the feeling after a 100 minute naga massage everyday....)

- horses aren't scary and are actually pretty awesome (historically, riding horses has not been an enjoyable experience but now i "get them" better.  an hour is a healthy ride time for now.  and of course my trail ride horse was a compulsive butt rubber on bushes and got kicked in the face by another horse because he was being pushy and asserting his alpha status....but oddly, still a great experience.  thanks abby for the peer pressure!)

kate with bailey, aka boo

- my life is so go go go and that i need more space in my life (yep.  trying to simplify everything - but will slow down more starting in the new year....okay?  needless to say, this is and will continue to be a very hard one for me.)

- mediation is cool (love that it is a practice and that no matter who you are it is hard to focus solely on your breathing for any period of time.  did it this am.  really want to start doing it daily but baby steps...)

what was so amazing during this trip is that abby, the friend i went with, did pretty different things than i did (e.g., trail run, drum circle, water aerobics) and we both walked away totally refreshed and ready for what the world has to offer!

i am now almost 2 weeks out from this amazing break from reality and i feel like i am still holding onto the magic of possibility!  it feels great.  parts of life that can be really scary to me, aren't so scary anymore because they can't really hurt me.  you just have to purely move towards the things you want and know your fears and you will be just fine.... (easier typed than lived but i am working on it...)

i have been working out pretty aggressively and am proud to report that i have finally finished the jillian michael's video.  it took me a while to put it back in the dvd player but on the second attempt we had success!  it certainly helped to have a friend suffering beside me.  today it was two friends suffering beside me.  makes it so much more satisfying!

i have some ambitious health goals on the horizon and will take my two pound increase of muscle in the past two months as a sign of success.  now i just have to figure out the food part which is my total "newman" in this process.  but based on my above learnings i now just have to figure out how to make it all work within the scope of my pattern...and be kind with my virgo self as i find my way through it all.

of course, i am heading to a birthday party/wedding this weekend followed by a 12 day business trip so i will certainly be tested.  i just have to keep my perspective and try to make the healthiest decisions i can, one at a time....and not spiral into despair when i choose the fried chicken entree over some sort of salad entree.  (wedding is in atlanta = good fried chicken)

seems my last few posts have been more like novelas.  sorry for that but many thanks for putting up with me as i reason my life out.... and of course, thanks again for your amazing love and support.  ever brimming with gratitude!

kind of an emotional morning

so i got my period.  big whoop right?  taking this cycle off so no big deal.  so then why am i feeling like this?

last time i took a break in all of this i was pretty overwhelmed with everything but this time not so much and i am feeling pretty emotional over not being able to move forward in this cycle.  i think that my week of zen at that spa (the blog post that i haven't yet finished - i will get there) really helped me come to a place of better awareness and calm in all parts of my life and has me really amped up and ready to do this!  even more than before if that is even possible...

for the record, this cycle is impossible because of work.  i have a huge international project that is going to have me out of town for a solid 12 days which means no time for my glorious blood work and ultrasounds.  i know i have to work since i pretty much have been twiddling my thumbs for the last 2 months and this is part of the balance i have to practice at this point in this process.

but it sucks. pretty bad actually.

this morning i think this sadness was amplified with the start of the birth control.  yep, taking my prenatals and plopping on my ortho evra patch.  so weird.  to confirm for those of you who might be super confused at this point, the plan is to control when i get my period so there is a chance i can actually make my november cycle baby viable.  sort of a long shot but one i am prepared to take (and yes, this plan has been approved as being safe by 2 doctors and a nurse).

i must say that picking up my prenatals and ortho evra prescriptions together was pretty entertaining - - the look on the pharmacist's face was that of pure confusion!

but as of this moment, plans for project "woot woot november is looking like a great month to get pregnant" has begun.  now i just have to be patient with the process - - which i will do with my new breathing and meditation practice.

i have to say though that i am super thankful to be back working.  and not just working but i have a 3 country project, 2 markets in each and i am so excited to really be thinking and professionally challenged!  had a super great call with the client and i had things to say and they weren't just the usual things which is what made it so much more rewarding.  so great to exercise my brain and have it provide value for others!

yes, this is a bit dramatic but i have been feeling rather underutilized over the past few months since i was working towards the baby at the expense of work and other things and have little to show for it (and yes, yes, i know all the silver linings but you know what i mean...).  so now i can relax in a space that is known and very comfortable where i can actually produce the something they need from me.  needless to say i really love my job and am so very thankful for the satisfaction it can provide me!

so i really enjoy this blog because i sit down with a ball of emotion or whatever and i am not always sure what it means but by the end i feel like i have so much more clarity and feel like my thoughts are better organized.

today's blog ah-ha is that for this cycle i just need to focus on my giddiness for this upcoming project.  sure, have a grumpy sad moment but then open my eyes and see how the universe has opened up this great example of balance in front of me.  

this may not seem like an ah-ha to you but for a long time my lack of routine in my life was a huge hindrance and barrier for me to be successful - - well, at least that is how i constructed it to be.  it seems i was super good at identifying the micro routine (wake up, floss...) and the larger cycle (i will be super motivated and busy but then wear myself down into a puddle of mush) but could never identify the middle of the road pattern that is the one i am actually supposed to be following.  i can get lost in trying to compare myself to others (doubt i am alone in this) but that just leads to trouble.  i am not, nor could i ever be a 9 to 5'er.  works for some but could never be me - but i can see a lot of benefits in that lifestyle which has led to some extra struggles for me because i want things that i can never have like knowing i can take the drawing class at the art institute because i know i will be in town every tuesday night for the next 6 weeks. (yes, that is probably a run-on but it totally captures my complete exasperation in this space)

but now looking at this broader pattern of my life i can see that the last two months were really about focusing on me and my future and that now i need to balance that laser focus of mine into more of a professional focus which brings me similar satisfaction.  i always envisioned what i wanted as being able to be accomplish balance of everything in a day and well, looking at my pattern that is crap and not realistic for who i am and who i want to be.  

so kate, i give you permission to be your 150% self for work for september and october and to take november and december to be your 150% for you and your baby plans (maybe with a dash of work sprinkled in).  this is step one in redefining what my version of balance is and recognizing that what it may be today or 2 months from now may be totally different than a year from now - and that is just fine.  i just have to remember that i am moving forward, regardless of how fast or slow i am moving, it is 150% authentic kate.

perspective restored.  time for breakfast.

next steps....

ahh!  have i mentioned how much better i feel now that cycle is over?  thinking in a few more days i will be able to celebrate the fact that i can get pregnant much more but right now i am just celebrating the fact that i feel so much more relaxed.

in terms of next steps....

nurse called yesterday with hcg results and i am down to 5.  great news!

i spoke with the doctor today about the particulars around what happened last cycle and learned that what happened last cycle was pretty common but he was encouraged that my body is doing what it needs to have success.  the one weird thing from the call was him referring to the short pregnancy i had as a miscarriage.  i guess technically that is what happened but it doesn't really feel like it because i hadn't had time to emotionally or physically connect with the baby.  he reinforced how common they are and that often the body rejects the embryo because it is not healthy.  amazing how the body works!  

ultimately, it appears i am going to be taking a few months off picking back up for my december (maybe november) cycle. feels a little weird to be taking another break after only having one cycle, but this is process is really all about balance right?  and really this was two cycles with only one active baby making cycle.  AND the doctor said it was not a bad thing for my body and actually good so that it can get back to normal.  thanks doc!  love when i get permission for the things i want to do....

while my last break in baby making was driven by my amazing trip with my dad, this next break is due to a once in a lifetime wedding in india this november (and a crazy busy month of work for september).   yes, that does not mean i can't in october but i am thinking that i would rather take that variable out of the india trip to limit my stress and increase my overall enjoyment.

so umm my strategizing never seems to end...  while it is abundantly clear that i have no control in this situation, this does not mean that i cannot come up with ways to make things work more towards my favor (potentially).  to date this has included my massages, acupuncture, and new gym regimen...and smoothies!  can't forget those smoothies!  but in order to hopefully build in a november cycle i am going back on birth control.

i know it probably sounds ridiculous that i will go on birth control when trying to have a baby but this means that i can plan when my period will hit with relation to my return from india.  basically, it gives me more control of when i will get my period.  so i just have to time things so that my period hits right as i am returning from india in time for my baseline.

but kate, what are the implications of this on when you get your period again and is this really ok?  why yes it is!  i have had 1 nurse and 2 doctors tell me this is totally fine and will not impact my cycle at all.  in terms of how long it will take for me to get my period once i allow my body to do it, that is the only wild card but based on past experiences with this same birth control, it will be a few days.

and if this backfires, which it will may, then i will just start in december as i had originally planned.  no risk, no reward.

saturday i am heading to a spa for a long weekend with a girlfriend for a nice restorative treat.  really excited to test out yoga and really give meditation a try...they have oodles of these classes.  these are things i have always wanted to try but have never really clicked for me.  now i can give them a proper effort and make my final determination on the two.  i am not so good at sitting still unless i am working to clean out my dvr so we will see.  the countdown till departure continues...

little victory of the day: hcg is dropping!

wow.  as i type that subject the irony of the placement of joy is not lost on me.  hoping forevermore that i am whoo hooing about the doubling and tripling of my hcg.

but for now this is a blessing.  it has dropped to 19.7 (from 25).  i have one last blood test next tuesday to confirm all is good to go but the nurse said the doctor is optimistic.

i feel like i just lost 2000 pounds of stress and anxiety.  now i am able to look forward and not feel chained to this cycle.  this morning i wasn't thinking that i was going to get good news because everything that could go wrong did.  but erin was right and i was just getting all the crap out of the way this am.  exhale!

anticipating my silver linings for this mornings #*#& to be...

- now i know that 3 blood draws from the same vein in a week can dry it out (first 2 dried it out)
- i am aware that i have good veins in both arms
- there is a brand new payment machine that looks almost EXACTLY like the old one at the parking garage at the clinic and you have to swipe your credit card differently or else it will make tons of noises and not give you your card back
- people are not far to help you so always try the assistance button and don't give up even though you can't really understand them and they can't understand you

i am already laughing at myself for how frustrated and angry i was this morning at all of this but i guess i have had a pretty stressful week so i will let it slide.

feeling like the tide has definitely turned!  good news on my results, client ok'd an insane travel schedule as is that could have been made even longer and more complicated, and i made some progress processing my "don't want to deal with this now" shelf.  happy friday indeed!

holy unharnessed energy

so i am up and at my computer.  teeth brushed and flossed.  dressed for the gym - because that will happen today.  just printed my notes from my casting lesson this week so i can have them for reference for when i head to the casting pond after i eat breakfast.  after that i will do some work.

i feel like i am sort of stagnating with work having been on the back burner, not having the type of success i was hoping for on the baby (my main focus), romantic relationships being a danger zone, and i am finding myself filled with so much energy which feels kinda overwhelming.  i need to do something that gives me a sense of accomplishment right now.  just need to figure out what it is.

realized this week that fishing really is my version of meditation, or at least casting, so i am going to work to build that in as many times in a week as i can.  hoping this combined with my massages, acupuncture, and exercise will allow me to enjoy a bit more calm.

outside of that i am still not sure what the plan will be.  it will come.  it always does.

i hope this doesn't come off as if i am lost in depression because i don't feel that way.  disappointed?  yes.  frustrated?  yes.  aware that what i am going through it more of the rule rather than the exception? yes.

the latter has been my 'ah ha' moment of this cycle.  i cannot thank my friends enough for sharing their stories and struggles with me.  not sure you can fully understand how much it means to me.  as i said above, it has helped me see that this process is not as easy as i thought and that it is the nature of the process and not me.  this takes a lot of pressure off of me and gives me hope that i can lighten my spirit as i progress.  i need to readjust my attitude and right now i am working through what that will look like so i can wholeheartedly own it.  150% kate embrace it.

i have been spending some time trying to understand why i expected it to be easier including...

- i am putting in the work and work nets positive results (right?)
- my unlucky and at times ridiculous dating history (can we say bedazzled teeth guy?)
- according to my mother, and our "sex" talk,  i am fertile

the fertile comment led to a fear that if i was even in the same room with a sperm i was just about guaranteed to be pregnant.  think this mindset coming to terms with what is the reality of the situation and process is what i am still working to reconcile - but i have made incredible progress as of late.  clearly i know that hard work means nothing in this process and that i guess the universe isn't going to throw me a bone regardless of my dating exploits.  dang it.  but i guess the entertainment value of the stories is enough.

but here is what i am realizing as i type this, i have time.  maybe the universe isn't throwing me a meaty bone like i initially envisioned during my first cycle, but it is going to happen.  whether i have the baby myself or i adopt, i am going to be a mom.  maybe not on my schedule but it will happen and i know that.  i just have to keep my eye on the prize.  patience isn't my strong point but this is a lesson and one i can imagine that my league of guardian angels above are trying to help me with.  i just have to trust they will push me only as hard as they think i can manage and trust that they know what they are doing.  grandpa and victoria - i am depending on you and the gang to help me get to where i need to be.  i trust you all but a memo containing your objectives for my development and a timeline would be super appreciated!  and do you work with me but please be gentle.

wow.  so this was supposed to be a quick entry but clearly i needed to sound out a bit more than i thought.  off to make some breakfast and get this day started!  xoxo!