a whole lotta zen!

ahhh.... so not sure i have the words to properly convey the magic that was my spa adventure at miraval.  it was only 5 days but 5 days of complete and total bliss.

i took so much away from this time including....

- the power of intention (knowing what you truly want and the importance of acknowledging the related fears surrounding getting what you want...so simple but ridiculously intense if you really think about it.

we did this clay class where i made a pinch pot and little pebbles with the things that i am actively working on.  they also had this labyrinth where you are supposed to focus on something, an intention, walk through it, and then leave a rock or something you bring in the middle as a symbol of your intention.

the labyrinth (and you can see my pot in the middle if you squint)

i left my pot as well as three key pebbles - intention, confidence, and kindness.  in my head this translated to my committing to living my life with greater intention, allowing this intention to give me more confidence and surety in everything i do and doing this in a way that is kind to myself since it won't all come together immediately....and that is ok. [in those last four words i had a flash of stuart smalley (which i enjoyed greatly)]

 my pinch pot and pebbles

- the magic of living in the moment and being mindful of oneself (i/we all get busy and sometimes find ourselves just going through the motions when really our quality of life would be so much better if we could feel and enjoy life as it is happening.  yes, john lennon knew what he was talking about.)

- that it is much easier to give than to receive (yes, yes, it is.  and i am a HORRIBLE receiver.  seeing this is half of the battle right?)

- recognizing that i am not as focused as i want to be but that this can be achieved through practicing meditation and better breathing practices (for those days, weeks, or months when you feel so distracted by all of the things in your life and can't finish a single thought - this is the cure!  well, something that will help me be more present anyway...)

where i practiced my meditation, breathing, and yoga

- the power of stretching and how important it is to my overall health (with my new healthier lifestyle my body feels totally bound up and stretching makes me feel so much more at ease.  now only if i can find a way to have the feeling after a 100 minute naga massage everyday....)

- horses aren't scary and are actually pretty awesome (historically, riding horses has not been an enjoyable experience but now i "get them" better.  an hour is a healthy ride time for now.  and of course my trail ride horse was a compulsive butt rubber on bushes and got kicked in the face by another horse because he was being pushy and asserting his alpha status....but oddly, still a great experience.  thanks abby for the peer pressure!)

kate with bailey, aka boo

- my life is so go go go and that i need more space in my life (yep.  trying to simplify everything - but will slow down more starting in the new year....okay?  needless to say, this is and will continue to be a very hard one for me.)

- mediation is cool (love that it is a practice and that no matter who you are it is hard to focus solely on your breathing for any period of time.  did it this am.  really want to start doing it daily but baby steps...)

what was so amazing during this trip is that abby, the friend i went with, did pretty different things than i did (e.g., trail run, drum circle, water aerobics) and we both walked away totally refreshed and ready for what the world has to offer!

i am now almost 2 weeks out from this amazing break from reality and i feel like i am still holding onto the magic of possibility!  it feels great.  parts of life that can be really scary to me, aren't so scary anymore because they can't really hurt me.  you just have to purely move towards the things you want and know your fears and you will be just fine.... (easier typed than lived but i am working on it...)

i have been working out pretty aggressively and am proud to report that i have finally finished the jillian michael's video.  it took me a while to put it back in the dvd player but on the second attempt we had success!  it certainly helped to have a friend suffering beside me.  today it was two friends suffering beside me.  makes it so much more satisfying!

i have some ambitious health goals on the horizon and will take my two pound increase of muscle in the past two months as a sign of success.  now i just have to figure out the food part which is my total "newman" in this process.  but based on my above learnings i now just have to figure out how to make it all work within the scope of my pattern...and be kind with my virgo self as i find my way through it all.

of course, i am heading to a birthday party/wedding this weekend followed by a 12 day business trip so i will certainly be tested.  i just have to keep my perspective and try to make the healthiest decisions i can, one at a time....and not spiral into despair when i choose the fried chicken entree over some sort of salad entree.  (wedding is in atlanta = good fried chicken)

seems my last few posts have been more like novelas.  sorry for that but many thanks for putting up with me as i reason my life out.... and of course, thanks again for your amazing love and support.  ever brimming with gratitude!

kind of an emotional morning

so i got my period.  big whoop right?  taking this cycle off so no big deal.  so then why am i feeling like this?

last time i took a break in all of this i was pretty overwhelmed with everything but this time not so much and i am feeling pretty emotional over not being able to move forward in this cycle.  i think that my week of zen at that spa (the blog post that i haven't yet finished - i will get there) really helped me come to a place of better awareness and calm in all parts of my life and has me really amped up and ready to do this!  even more than before if that is even possible...

for the record, this cycle is impossible because of work.  i have a huge international project that is going to have me out of town for a solid 12 days which means no time for my glorious blood work and ultrasounds.  i know i have to work since i pretty much have been twiddling my thumbs for the last 2 months and this is part of the balance i have to practice at this point in this process.

but it sucks. pretty bad actually.

this morning i think this sadness was amplified with the start of the birth control.  yep, taking my prenatals and plopping on my ortho evra patch.  so weird.  to confirm for those of you who might be super confused at this point, the plan is to control when i get my period so there is a chance i can actually make my november cycle baby viable.  sort of a long shot but one i am prepared to take (and yes, this plan has been approved as being safe by 2 doctors and a nurse).

i must say that picking up my prenatals and ortho evra prescriptions together was pretty entertaining - - the look on the pharmacist's face was that of pure confusion!

but as of this moment, plans for project "woot woot november is looking like a great month to get pregnant" has begun.  now i just have to be patient with the process - - which i will do with my new breathing and meditation practice.

i have to say though that i am super thankful to be back working.  and not just working but i have a 3 country project, 2 markets in each and i am so excited to really be thinking and professionally challenged!  had a super great call with the client and i had things to say and they weren't just the usual things which is what made it so much more rewarding.  so great to exercise my brain and have it provide value for others!

yes, this is a bit dramatic but i have been feeling rather underutilized over the past few months since i was working towards the baby at the expense of work and other things and have little to show for it (and yes, yes, i know all the silver linings but you know what i mean...).  so now i can relax in a space that is known and very comfortable where i can actually produce the something they need from me.  needless to say i really love my job and am so very thankful for the satisfaction it can provide me!

so i really enjoy this blog because i sit down with a ball of emotion or whatever and i am not always sure what it means but by the end i feel like i have so much more clarity and feel like my thoughts are better organized.

today's blog ah-ha is that for this cycle i just need to focus on my giddiness for this upcoming project.  sure, have a grumpy sad moment but then open my eyes and see how the universe has opened up this great example of balance in front of me.  

this may not seem like an ah-ha to you but for a long time my lack of routine in my life was a huge hindrance and barrier for me to be successful - - well, at least that is how i constructed it to be.  it seems i was super good at identifying the micro routine (wake up, floss...) and the larger cycle (i will be super motivated and busy but then wear myself down into a puddle of mush) but could never identify the middle of the road pattern that is the one i am actually supposed to be following.  i can get lost in trying to compare myself to others (doubt i am alone in this) but that just leads to trouble.  i am not, nor could i ever be a 9 to 5'er.  works for some but could never be me - but i can see a lot of benefits in that lifestyle which has led to some extra struggles for me because i want things that i can never have like knowing i can take the drawing class at the art institute because i know i will be in town every tuesday night for the next 6 weeks. (yes, that is probably a run-on but it totally captures my complete exasperation in this space)

but now looking at this broader pattern of my life i can see that the last two months were really about focusing on me and my future and that now i need to balance that laser focus of mine into more of a professional focus which brings me similar satisfaction.  i always envisioned what i wanted as being able to be accomplish balance of everything in a day and well, looking at my pattern that is crap and not realistic for who i am and who i want to be.  

so kate, i give you permission to be your 150% self for work for september and october and to take november and december to be your 150% for you and your baby plans (maybe with a dash of work sprinkled in).  this is step one in redefining what my version of balance is and recognizing that what it may be today or 2 months from now may be totally different than a year from now - and that is just fine.  i just have to remember that i am moving forward, regardless of how fast or slow i am moving, it is 150% authentic kate.

perspective restored.  time for breakfast.